Mr. Right: 19 Things Your Deliveryman Will Never, Ever Judge You For

by Ashley Fern

There are certain men in your life you can guarantee will never judge you. If your boyfriend came to mind, well, you're absolutely kidding yourself because as much as that guy claims he isn't judging, we all know he is.

Nah, the guy I'm referring to is your deliveryman. You know... the guy who makes all of your dreams come true, the one who indulges all of your terrible habits and the one who literally brings you whatever your heart (and stomach) desires.

Maybe you haven't thought about this before, but we all should be grateful deliverymen exist.

Without them, where would we be on a hungover Sunday morning? In the fetal position, crying in a pool of shame with no bagels or Gatorade in sight.

1. Answering your door half naked

It's literally as if the deliveryman knows the worst time to ring your doorbell.

How many times have you just been chilling in your bra and underwear when you hear the buzz of the bell?

2. Having a really weird show paused in the background

You may have just paused whatever it was you were watching on a really, really awkward moment, but have no fear, your deliveryman doesn't give a f*ck.

3. When he has to ring your bell again because it's the second time you ordered from the same place in two hours

There's no shame in your game; you don't care if you've already ordered once from this deli, it's a new hour and it's time for a new meal.

4. The fact that your roommate ordered from the same place earlier that day

You can't feel bad having this guy come back to your apartment, he should just be happy you're tipping him!

Sure, it would've made more sense to order with your roommate, but on those lazy, hungover weekends, there's no way you're making any extra effort to coordinate.

5. When he gives you enough utensils and napkins for five people when, in reality, it's all for you

Luckily for you, the delivery guy can't see into your apartment or he'd know the General Tso's chicken, three maki rolls and spare ribs were all for you!

Don't worry, we'll keep your secret... and the extra forks.

6. When your tip consists of Sacagawea dollars

You know what... it happens! Do you know how annoying it is when you're given change in, well, change? What else are you expected to do with this "money"? Exactly...

7. When you let the delivery fee double as the tip

What the f*ck is a delivery fee if it's not to cover the tip? No, seriously, I don't understand how a restaurant can get away with charging for a service it is willingly providing...

8. When you're blatantly hiding behind the door because you're still in a towel

Believe me, this isn't something new to a deliveryman. Do you know how many people have their meals delivered mid-shower? Sh*t, now I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.

9. When you answer the door and your hair is only half done and you're trying to act normal

Oh, sir! Don't mind this half-afro (halfro?), half-sleek style I have going on. I bet if a Kardashian opened the door looking like this, it'd be sprawled across the tabloids. Shh, we both know no Kardashian would ever live in this building, but you get the gist.

10. When you order from two different places and they show up at the same time

Hey, look the party is all here! It's about damn time! Have you guys met? Maybe you should?

11. When you yell out "Food's here!" to your very clearly empty apartment

You can pretend all you want, but we all know that feast is for you.

12. When you accidentally confuse him for the weed delivery guy and invite him in

Oh sh*t, you don't have the kind of edibles I was thinking of, do you? My bad man, here's an extra tip... now please don't call the police.

13. When there's a naked man passed out on your couch

The only way to ease the pain of waking up next to someone is to eat until you hate yourself. Now you have something else to focus all your attention on!

14. When you try and pay with a ripped up dollar bill

If 51 percent of the bill is still intact, technically it's legal — or so we've been told.

15. When you open the door and a cloud of smoke billows out

If I pretend I'm dead sober, will you pretend to believe me? I can tell by that look in your eye you want a hit too.

Did I accidentally get you high from secondhand smoke? You're welcome... that's your tip.

16. When you clearly have not seen any light or been outside... and it's 4 pm

This is a judgment-free zone sir, I mean what did you expect when you just delivered me a large Domino's pie for one?

17. When it's 5 am and you still have heels on

Yeah, yeah we all know you're going to regret eating all of this sh*t come the morning, but right now it's everything you've ever wanted.

18. When he's already waiting for you in your lobby and you just emerged from a taxi

You really couldn't have planned it better if you tried. Ha! Who are you kidding, you've been trying to perfect this plan over the past seven weekends.

19. When you open the door and have clearly been crying

Avoid eye contact completely, gaze at the floor and extend your hand. If he knows what's good for him, he won't ask you to sign the receipt.