Dear NYC Realtors, F*ck You

Dear NYC Residential Realtors,

I know you think you're such big shots because you barely passed your real estate exams with your fourth grade reading comprehensions, but guess what -- I, along with 95% of the city that doesn't stoop to your pathetic level of a job, actually hate your guts.

Let's start off with the obvious fact that you all are deceptive, slimy and selfish individuals who pressure your clients (read: prey) into shelling out thousands of dollars for less than livable apartments. I know you think you're above labeling yourselves as a “service industry,” but in reality you are here to serve and assist your prospective buyers. How you think it is acceptable to treat us like naïve idiots who don't know the difference between a 9th floor walk-up squatter's sh*thole and a luxury doorman building is absolutely beyond me.

Your profession is one step above stealing. You steal my money, my time and my sense of sanity. Trying to fool me into spending $7,500 on the first shanty town building you show me in the Lower East Side and then taking 15% of that for your commission is what I call theft. I'd rather spend that money on finding someone to kick your ass and take photos of it for my own viewing pleasure.

I really shouldn't even deem your position as a “profession” because there is nothing professional nor legitimate about what you do. You write incomplete emails addressing me by the wrong name. You deliberately choose not to disclose the location of your units, and then make me meet you all the way on 168th street only to tell me the space is unavailable and why don't we try for Bed-Stuy? Please, if you're going to be a piece of sh*t, don't make me go all the way to the Bronx to find it out. I can already tell by your emails and text messages that you're the worst.

When you advertise an unbelievably overpriced unit on top of the Holland Tunnel and then suddenly change the description because you think I'll be willing to overpay, I suggest that you walk into oncoming traffic. I am not stupid. And I am definitely not as stupid as you are.

What really angers me about your collective group is that you are supposed to be helping us and for your assistance, we pay you a fee. When you don't deliver on that promise, and instead actually make my life a living hell, I am absolutely not going to give you my money. Telling me to miss work and then never showing up on the agreed location doesn't just mean that you suck at your job; it also means that you suck as a person. Don't even bother calling me to apologize because I've already found 500 other greedy realtors ready to take your position. You all are vultures, and you'll step on each other's toes as well as my own.

Stop thinking that your college education is an excuse to be a complete douchebag. You and I both know you didn't need it to get your real estate license, so stop trying to show off. Anyone can get one online these days anyway. We all know how to count the number of bedrooms in an apartment; I'm glad you paid $50,000 for a college education to teach you that. Congratulations, I still think you are a moron.

Wasting my time trying to pressure me into seeing an apartment that doesn't fit my criteria will be a lost cause, especially when I go look at it on my own. And in the same vein, stop trying to tell me that my needs are unreasonable – if you can't find a two bedroom apartment on the East Side for less than $3,400, then I will find a realtor who can. This just tells me that you are lazy, lying and unwilling to do your job, but I knew this already when you first introduced yourself as a real estate agent. Why should I even bother teaming with you when you've already made it clear to me that you won't work on my behalf?

Again, I'm not unintelligent and I can tell when you're being a huge bullsh*tter (which actually should be your entire job description). Insisting that “this is the ONLY apartment” that I will find signals to me that you are a pressuring Persian slumlord who should probably learn the true English meaning of “only” because I've already found fifteen other listings on StreetEasy that I will gladly move into before ever handing over any commission to you. When you unreliable and untrustworthy realtors claim that there aren't any other desirable available spaces -- and that it's unlikely that I will eventually locate one -- you make yourselves look foolish. Doesn't your livelihood depend on the fact that there are indeed existing listings for you to push on your clientele?

I know there are multiple apartments out there and I'm willing to put forth the effort in getting one, regardless if you're willing to join me in that hunt. Don't make my search more difficult than it needs to be. You're supposed to be making this easier for me, not harder. I don't need crooks like you putting false ideas in my head that “the market is small, and there's not a lot out there.” If there wasn't “a lot out there” then why do so many of you scumbags have jobs?

What aggravates me most is that you get frustrated with me -- the one supporting your lame existence – when I try to negotiate your broker's fee. Why should you get to earn more than one month's rent when all you did was bitch about where I want to live?

Face it: a residential realtor is a glorified hustler -- only you push apartments instead of drugs. Considering the 1920s tenement-style housing that you suggest I live in, you might as well be convicted of felony.

Do me a favor, and for once be straightforward, if not for me than for yourselves. Try to actually have your buyer's best interests at heart. Maybe then you won't hate your job so much and we'll truly start liking you more.

Until then, I wish you all the same living conditions that you wish for me.

- LA