Call A B*tch, A B*tch: 11 Things Women Need To Say, Not Just Think
"Saturday Night Live" debuted a recent sketch, “Say What You Wanna Say,” set to Sara Bareilles’ song, “Brave.” It depicted women stating what they really mean (in a hilarious way, of course).
Although it was meant to be in jest, the funny sketch got me thinking, what if we all were finally honest with one another? Why don’t we actually say all those things we’re secretly thinking?
It’s time we stop sugarcoating our statements because we’re afraid of taking action or what will happen afterward. You don’t get what you want by remaining complacent.
Let’s wreak a little havoc. Let’s tiptoe the line between “insulting” and “justified” and see what happens.
We’re ready for you. Just come right out and say it.
Here’s what women would say if they really could:
"You’re creeping me out; please permanently stay away from me."
What you say instead: "I have a boyfriend."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: Too many former experiences with annoying boys who interpret “you’re a creep” as an invitation to keep creeping (it’s not cute). And too many bad Lifetime movies telling us men react poorly to assertive women.
Synonyms: "I’m a lesbian"; "I’m dating her" (grabs friend); "I lost my vagina in a conveyer belt accident."
"I deserve a raise."
What you say instead: Various complaints -- but only to your best work buddy.
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: We’re conditioned to be afraid of asking management for more. We’re taught we should be happy with what we’re given, and we’re reprimanded for speaking up.
Synonyms: "I’m so poor right now"; "I need to start selling drugs"; "I’m going to start bringing my lunch to work."
"I faked it, and you are so oblivious in bed that you actually believed me."
What you say instead: "That was great!"
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: There are many reasons women fake it -- we’re self-conscious about taking too long, we don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings (overrated), we’re tired, his breath smells. Sometimes, there’s just no easy way to say, “This sucks, get off me.”
Synonyms: "You made me cum like, so hard"; "High-five!"; "Let’s cuddle."
"I totally forgot what the f*ck your name is."
What you say instead: "Hello, beautiful!"
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: We’d rather not admit we weren’t listening to you the first 10 times you introduced yourself. (Or, at least, we don’t want it to appear that way.)
Synonyms: "Hey, stranger!"; "Hey, you"; "Hey, girl"; "Hey [insert defining, but inoffensive characteristic]."
"I took a giant sh*t and you need to leave."
What you say instead: "I don’t feel well."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: Really? It’s not obvious?
Synonyms: "I have a stomachache"; "I need to be alone right now"; "I’m nauseated"; "My dog did it."
"That shirt?! You look worse than Rob Kardashian in a tube top."
What you say instead: "Cute shirt!"
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, especially when your pal is excited about her purchase. Some friends just can’t handle the truth.
Synonyms: "You look fine"; "Yeah, that works"; "Is that new?"
"That girl is trouble and would blow you faster than her birthday candles."
What you say instead: "She’s nice."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: With this new-wave of society, it’s no longer PC for girls to hate on other girls -- but we know better.
Despite being 100 percent sure this broad takes bikini-bridge selfies and doesn’t have a job, your boyfriend and even some of your girlfriends will get weird with you for saying she’s a tw*t. Mmm, not worth the argument.
Synonyms: "I can see why you like her"; "She seems pleasant"; "If this were Paris, I’d say she’s not bad."
"I don’t want to put your dick in my mouth."
What you say instead: "Sure."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: Here Are 3 Reasons Why You Don’t Why To Give Head Tonight (condensed version): 1. You’re really lazy and you know you give mediocre head, so why ruin a good thing?; 2. You don’t want to blow him away too quickly; 3. Sometimes, a BJ can actually feel more intimate than going all the way, so like, nah.
Synonyms: "I don’t usually do this"; "Fine, but only to confirm how small I think it is"; "Down."
"Don’t talk to me on the street unless you want your skull to meet the sidewalk."
What you say instead: Nothing.
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: Now, here’s where things get interesting. In some scary situations, we’re afraid for our lives to say anything. In other scenarios, we just don’t want to acknowledge it because it’ll ruin our day even more.
And other times, well, we probably should speak up and say something back. We need to hollaback and take action to end street harassment. Simply because, for once in our lives, we don’t have a good enough reason not to.
Synonyms: (Hurts a little inside); *Middle fingers. Lots of them.*
"I actually have nothing to apologize for here."
What you say instead: "I’m sorry for being nasty, I have my period"; "I'm trying to eat healthy"; "I'm making more money than you."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: Whether we’re conscious of it or not, we frequently apologize for completely normal things that don’t need to be excused.
We’re accustomed to having to "dumb ourselves down" or conceal certain aspects of ourselves for entirely no reason.
Synonyms: "Excuse me"; "I feel bad about that."
"I don’t give a f*ck what you're talking about."
What you say instead: "That was so interesting."
Why you don’t feel comfortable saying it: We’d rather not reveal the extent of our rudeness. Especially when it comes to listening to your dad discuss the stock market.
Synonyms: (Nods); "Wow, you are really smart"; "Cool!"