I've vicariously suffered through several breakups. Sh*t is HARD. And the timeline is always the same.
My friend's boyfriend does something d*ckish, breaks up with her out of the blue and does not even think to warn me -- the person who is going to have to deal with the ugly aftermath of his bullsh*t freakout.
We all know what it's like to ride the breakup rollercoaster. But what if it's your friend's breakup?!
What if it's someone you love who is hurt -- and you have little to no control over her recovery? Here are the stages of emotion we experience when our friends endure breakups.
1. But I loved them together!
2. They were my only hope for love.
3. And now they’re done.
4. Is love even real?
5. This break won’t last long.
6. (Will it!?)
7. How could he do this to her?
8. How could he do this to us?!
9. He didn’t even have the decency to give me a heads-up?
10. I'm the one who’s gonna have to hold her while she cries.
11. The LEAST I could have gotten was a f*cking warning.
13. I thought we were friends.
14. Shoot, we were friends.
15. THREE years of third wheeling!! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?!
16. Focus on the good times.
17. He gave great dating advice back in the day.
18. Wait -- if they were both my friends, whose side do I pick?
19. Okay, forget that I thought that.
20. That was bad.
21. OBVIOUSLY I pick her side.
22. But is it okay if I still hook up with his friends in the meantime…?
23. No, he is done.
24. He is dead to us.
25. He and his friends are dead to us by association.
26. Time to focus on her.
27. Should I feel guilty about being happy to finally have her all to myself?
28. Well, realistically, I have her for probably two weeks until they get back together. Got to make the most of it.
29. How do I make this better?
30. Wine. Wine and ice cream.
31. Okay, maybe wine was not the best idea.
32. REALLY did not realize it was possible for one human to cry this much.
33. Does she have any liquid left in her body?!
34. Whatever, it’s fine. That was nice — like a purge.
35. Definitely not a purge.
36. Heeeere we go again.
37. I love her so much, but I just cannot have this conversation again.
38. How do I nicely tell her I genuinely do not think he gives a f*ck?
39. Honestly, I can barely tell myself that.
40. How has this f*cker seriously not called her yet?
41. We need to be done with him.
42. Oh, God. Please don’t text him.
43. WHY would she text him?!
44. I can validate this insane behavior only so many times.
45. ESPECIALLY when I have to stand back and watch her my ignore my fantastic advice!
46. Let’s go out.
47. Time for her to meet someone new.
48. Yes! She’s in.
49. This is gonna be fun.
50. Just two single besties back at it.
51. Man, I forgot how much fun we used to have together.
52. This is great.
53. Shots! Shots! Shots!
54. No, wait, this is too many shots…
55. Oh, God. Ew.
56. Who the f*ck is that?!
57. When I suggested meeting “someone new," I didn’t mean "anyone with a pulse"!
58. Must pull her away from creepy man with handlebar mustache and wedding ring.
59. All right, cool it. I’m doing you a FAVOR.
60. You will thank me when you wake up in my arms tomorrow -- and not in those of that ridiculously creepy man.
61. Is she seriously screaming at me right now?
62. How about we channel that anger over to the asshole who dumped you!
63. Okay, I did not mean that.
64. Please do not call him.
65. Do NOT call him.
66. Looks like we’re calling him.
67. Do I steal her phone, or do I just let this happen?
68. It’s like watching a trainwreck.
69. Oh, no. Voicemail #47. Time to steal her phone.
70. Well, that was just about the worst night in the history of going out.
71. She'd better apologize to me for dealing with that psycho bullsh*t.
72. (Not to mention for saving her from that f*cking creep.)
73. Okay, shoot -- I don’t want her to feel THIS bad.
74. Now I feel like an assh*le for being annoyed.
75. Please stop crying. Please stop crying.
76. Let’s forget about last night.
77. Nothing like a nice Friends marathon to ease the pain of being hungover and dumped.
78. Oh, wait. Don’t go in your recent calls. PLEASE don’t look at that.
79. CODE RED: She wants to know how bad her voicemails were.
80. How do I nicely say she made Alec Baldwin's psycho voicemail for his daughter a few years ago seem sweet and sane?
81. Lie. Yes. That’s what I have to do -- lie.
82. “Oh, it wasn’t that bad. Well, okay, who am I kidding? You sounded insane.”
83. So that went over well…
84. “But, whatever, f*ck that loser. Who cares about embarrassing yourself in front of him?!”
85. Okay, great. She bought that. Back to Friends.
86. Oh God. Call from “SATAN.”
87. Did I just hear her say she misses him?!
88. What the f*ck is the point of being in the bathroom for this conversation when she’s going to tell me every detail in 30 seconds anyway?
89. He apologized; he misses her, too.
90. …Aaaand they’re back together.
91. Really? It was THAT simple?!
92. Whatever, at least love is real again.