Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?
It turns out, we are.
December not only marks the beginning of winter, but also the fast descent into eternal paledom for the remainder of the year. Gone are the days when our skin was still warm from lying out all day. Make friends with those pasty hands on your keyboard because they'll be sticking around until May.
For all the ladies out there giving “winter white” a whole new meaning, here's #PaleGirlProblems.
When It Snows, No One Can See You
No need to make snow angels when your body can double as one.
You Burn In March
After months of hiding your skin underneath long sleeves and pants, any flicker of sunlight is grounds for a sunburn.
Bronzer Is No Longer Bronzer, It's Body Paint
You literally paint your face with bronzing powder just to look like you have some color to your cheeks. Layer it on, lady!
Every Summer Thunderstorm Is A Missed Opportunity To Tan
Each rainy day that passes is one more day for your color to fade.
“I Won't Have Leathery Skin” Is Your Go-To Justification For Being Pale
The list of other validations include: “Tanning causes skin cancer” and “pale is pretty.”
People Ask If You Are Irish, Despite Not Having An Accent
Just because we're pale doesn't mean we're immigrants!
Glowing In The Blacklight At Parties
Congratulations! You are officially the same color as semen and Crest White Strips!
Hating Your Tan Friends Back From Vacation
Can we borrow some of that? Are you sharing?
Instagram Filters Are Your Skin's Life Saver
Shhh, no one will know that you're not really tropical colored. Just keep hibernating until July.
“In Elizabethan Days, Tan Skin Was Considered Low Class,” said you proudly.
Yeah, and being pudgy was also a sign of wealth and prosperity. My oh my, how times have changed!
“I'm so jealous of your pasty, white skin!” said no one ever.
You tell 'em, Kirsten.
You Feel Ten Pounds Heavier
You don't have any shadows to contour your face. Usually your tan streamlined your cheek bones for you. (Weeps in a corner.)
People Assume You Are Sick Or Cold
No actually, this is us after a beach day. So go scratch! (Go scratch??)
Finding Someone Paler Than You Is The Best Feeling
Finally, there is someone who can make us feel tan in January! Make sure to pose in every photo next to this person, she will complement your skin tone.
Bronzer Makes You Orange, Not Tan
Is there a better alternative?
Visible Blue Veins
If only it really went like that…
Wishing Black and White Movies Still Existed
...Because you're so pale, that is. If movies were still made in black and white, fair skin would be the industry norm.
You'd Rather Be Burnt Than Pale
At least you'll have some kind of color.
Trying To Cover Up A Pimple Is Useless
There isn't a foundation light enough to blend into your moonface.
You Self-Identify With The Ghosts and Vampires In Scary Movies
What a coincidence! Your body reflects the sunlight also!
You Want To Move To Sweden Because You'd Fit In There
You'll find all your long lost pale cousins overseas and finally your pasty face won't stand out in a crowd.
Emma Stone And Scarlett Johansson Are Your Role Models
We'd do that too, Emma, and make pasty babies together.
The Lightest Shade Of Makeup Is Still Too Dark For Your Skin
They really need to make an “almost white” shade.
Comparing Forearms Is Your Least Fun Game
He took the words right out of our mouths, body expression included.
Your Body Hair Stands Out
Against a white background even the blondest of hairs are going to shine.
People Call You “Porcelain” As A Compliment
Do we look like a piece of pottery to you?
A Flattering Hair Color Does Not Exist
You look either washed out or starkly pale. Both are great. Take your pick.
You Have To Prep For The Beach By First Getting A Base Tan
…Which is pretty much the equivalent of receiving your first sunburn prior to actually going out into the sun. Prep = burn first, tan later.
You Turn Pink When It's Cold Out, Pink When It's Hot Out, Pink When You're Just…Out
You're basically three parts white and four parts pink. Sweating, shivering, sitting – doesn't matter, it's pink.