I surely am a short girl — an unquestionably short girl. Like, we’re talking 4’11” on a good day, kind of short.
From having to sit in a car seat until an embarrassingly late age, to getting denied from amusement park rides as a full-grown adult, my life has been one massive blur from a dog's viewpoint.
But, being a short girl has its advantages. I hardly ever find myself staring down at a guy; I can squeeze into small spaces, and I probably could have excelled as professional limbo champion... and that’s about it.
But, more often than not, I find being vertically challenged to be a huge life disadvantage.
They say being a tall girl is hard and being a short guy is a real struggle, but let me tell you right now: Being a petite female is no stroll through the park. Here are 29 struggles that she-hobbits face every day:
1. You gave up your dreams of being a model at a very young age
As a kid, your friends liked to fantasize about their future modeling careers. But not you — you've been practical your whole life, so you've always known better.
You let that fantasy go before it even came to fruition, along with your wish to not be the first girl in your class’ size-ordered line for just one freaking year.
2. You are forever looking up
If I look straight ahead, I’m most likely staring at your crotch. And, I know your eyes are way up there, so I’ll just strain my neck muscles and save both of us some embarrassment.
3. People always try to lean on you
“You’re, like, the perfect height for me to lean on.”
Oh, did you think that was an original joke? If you are a drop-dead gorgeous man trying to woo me, I’ll probably try to hide my disgust for your poor and unoriginal attempt at humor. If you are not that guy, kindly f*ck off.
Seriously, don’t f*cking lean on me.
4. Your default description is “cute”
You’re never really referred to as “hot” or “sexy.” You’re always the “cute,” “adorable” or “tiny” one.
Though I’m not a girl who typically ventures out in a tight dress and stilettos, when I put some effort into my appearance, I’ll look in the mirror and be like, “Damn, gurl, you are one sexy b*tch.”
But, my confidence dies as soon as I stand next to one of my tall ass friends and instantly feel like a toddler playing dress up in her mom’s clothes.
5. Children tower over you
You will never be able to successfully command a room of kids. Since you are not bigger than they are, they will never take you seriously as an authority figure.
I brush shoulders with most 8-year-olds, and anyone who has even begun the descent into puberty unfailingly stares down at me.
6. You are often mistaken for a child
People always think you’re younger than you are because of your height.
Keep in mind that most girls reach their permanent adult height before they reach their teenage years. Yes, I have been this short since I was 12, so you can imagine how dumbfounded I am when people say things like, “Oh, I thought you were, like, 17 because you’re so short.”
You d*ck. I hate you and your absolute lack of knowledge of the human body.
7. People ask if you wear children-sized clothes
No, I do not, thank you very much.
But that’s not because I’m too tall to fit into children’s sizes; it’s because I’m not slender enough. So, excuse me while I cry a little bit.
8. Reaching sh*t
When it comes to reaching sh*t, you generally always come up short (pun so intended).
You can’t reach certain machines at the gym; you can’t reach the hand rails on the train, and at most stores, there are two or three shelves hopelessly above your head. When you’re grocery shopping and the loaves of bread are impossibly out of reach, you rationalize that you don’t need those carbs, anyway.
Walk away with your head held high, lady.
9. Everyone constantly asks if you need help reaching sh*t
After watching me frantically try to stuff my carry-on into the overhead compartment for the last five minutes, you obviously know I could use a f*cking hand.
Even though the anxiety-sweat dripping down my back and face might tell you otherwise, I’m no quitter. I will hold on to every ounce of pride I have left; I say "no, thank you" and go for the power jump. Something always works out eventually.
10. When you gain weight, it’s painfully obvious
Five pounds on you carries like the average-height-girl’s ten pounds, and this just is not fair at all because pizza is so good and you really like to eat it.
11. Your assets are accentuated
Large assets on a tiny body can get awkward looking. By awkward looking, I really just mean super obvious.
Ex: “I know you have a big booty because it’s literally half the size of your body, and it’s all that I see when I look at you.”
12. People often ask why you don’t just wear heels
I’m just not the type of human who can function in heels. They are unnatural burdens, and I hate them with a burning passion.
Are heels really your solution to all my height-related problems? Sure, they will make me a few inches closer to looking age-appropriate for a night out, but what about the daily struggles? Heels are hardly functional for a number of activities.
13. You find yourself standing on your tiptoes more often than not
Since you’ll hardly ever see a pair of heels on my feet, I’ve been forced to resort to the next-best thing: tiptoes, nature’s heels.
Whether I’m trying to participate in a conversation in a crowded bar or trying to reach an ear to share some juicy secrets, I’m forever on my tiptoes and simultaneously getting in a quick calf workout.
14. Your short little legs can only move so fast
Nice, relaxing strolls with taller people can quickly turn into full-on cardio workouts when you attempt to keep up. You watch in envy, as their stilt-like legs take one effortless, gracefully long stride at a time, covering the ground that your three frantically-quick steps take. Surely, this isn’t fair.
15. The pressure is on to date shorter men
Personally, I’ve always preferred taller dudes, but taller girls, who have a smaller dating height pools, constantly reprimand me for this.
16. You feel oddly guilty when you’re with a tall guy
Thanks for this one, society, but I hardly have an obligation to save the tall guys for the tall girls.
While I struggle through my dating life, standing on my tiptoes to make out with someone only to fall into the “we’re just too far apart in height for that position” realizations, I’ll continue to date tall, guilt-free, thank you very much.
17. You have already planned your apology to your future children
You know that even if you procreate with someone super tall, your offspring will be average height, at best. Maybe. Regardless, you have some kind of apology tucked into the back of your mind, just in case you pass along your hobbit genes to your future spawn.
18. Nothing fits right
You stare enviously at average-height girls who pull off trends you would never even dream of trying. You covet the midi and maxi dresses that will never flawlessly grace your body, as well as the numerous pant trends that require a normal-sized leg to pull off.
19. You have a tailor you hold near and dear to your heart
I avoid alterations at all costs. If pants come in “short” or “petite,” I rejoice that I can roll the legs once and call it a day (because “short” doesn't mean that short, obviously).
And, since things meant to fit short are average-length on you and things meant to fit average-length people are just dragging on the floor, you always have to think quick on your toes. For example, I’ve been known to wear capris as jeans and midi skirts as maxi skirts — it’s called improvising.
But, I digress. Most short girls have a very necessary and meaningful bond with a tailor, who will transform her adult-sized clothes into the doll clothes she really needs.
20. At times, you go completely unnoticed
I try to contain my frustration when a cashier completely skips me in line because he or she just couldn’t see my wee little self, standing amidst all of the real, grown-up people. B*tch, the bun bobbing between two torsos belongs to someone!
21. People question how you could possibly drive
I will never, ever mutter the huge lie that I am a good driver because under no circumstances is that true. But, my lack of driving skills is not due to my height.
Of course, I can see over the wheel; there is no issue there (although, there is some concern about how dangerously close we must sit to it in order to reach the pedals).
22. People have suggested you are handicapped
“You do know you can get handicapped license plates because of your height, right?”
You are so familiar with this question that it just makes you want to slap someone right across the face. Apparently, measuring in below 4’11” is considered a handicap, and people are really bothered when you don’t take advantage of this.
23. Most pools are entirely deep-end for you
What is a shallow end? Because, after much feeling around, my feet surely can't find one.
While all of your friends are lounging in the pool, perhaps sipping some drinks, you are barely managing to keep your airways above the water. But, it’s all good because treading water burns calories, so you win.
24. Concerts are always a "different" type of experience
As an avid concertgoer, I preach the concept that live music is about hearing a band perform live, not necessarily about seeing them. This is important because you can never see anything except for the person standing in front of you.
25. You are easily lost in the crowd
Standing in or walking through a crowd proves to be an extra-special kind of challenge for those who suffer from height deficiency.
I sometimes feel subhuman when I’m in a big crowd of seemingly giant people. You can’t see anyone’s face; you are breathing everyone’s exhaled air, and you’re pretty sure no one even knows the thing pressed against his or her ass is your face. In fact, your presence usually goes completely undetected.
So, yeah, I’d say being smothered or trampled to death in a crowd is a legitimate fear to have.
26. You get grilled extra hard at the bar
I guess, to some bouncers, the notion of a child-sized human entering a bar is just too much to handle. I’ve gotten straight-up laughed at in my face by bouncers who just don’t understand how the concept of height works.
Somehow, my license becomes “clearly fake” or my picture “obviously isn’t me.” Then, I’m forced to say things like, “You’re just a doorman, Doorman,” "Knocked Up" style.
27. You fear shrinking in your elderly years
Since you’ve been standing small at your current height for some years now, you've accepted the hand life dealt you. You’ve never stood taller, so you know you can hang at this height, regardless of how frustrating it can be at times.
But, when your senior years hit, along with osteoporosis, you know there’s nowhere to go but down. The thought of shrinking to an even shorter height is actually terrifying and begs the question, "How low can you go?"
28. Your Napoleon Complex sometimes gets the best of you
As much as you don’t want to admit it, it's pretty safe to say that all short people, both male and female, have at least somewhat of a Napoleon Complex.
Whether you feel the need to be the life of the party, or you speak louder than everyone else in a group, your Napoleon Complex is just your way of saying, “Hey, I might be short, but I most certainly still exist!”
29. You constantly wonder what the world looks like from a taller perspective
But, you’ve accepted the fact that you will never know the answer to this question — unless you learn how to walk on stilts.
Despite all of the obstacles you face in your stunted life, living down here is certainly not the worst possible thing in the world.
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