Girls can't go to the bathroom by themselves — it's basically the first real rule of feminism Gretchen Wieners sadly forgot about.
Have you ever seen a chick voluntarily hit the restroom solo? No way, she scans her group of friends for the perfect partner to embark on the debauchery hidden behind the swinging doors of the ladies' room.
Debauchery in the restroom? Men have wondered for centuries what the F is going down in the ladies' room and, honestly, I'm not sure if they'd be pleasantly surprised or absolutely horrified to find out.
Just think of like this: We do what you guys do in the bathroom, minus the peeing-on-the-sink/wall/floor-from-the-toilet-bowl-to-sink-and-back-again Snapchats you all need to stop sending your female friends.
So what are females really doing when they disappear into the bathroom?
1. Their drugs.
As if there was ever a doubt in your mind about the real reason girls are chilling in the bathroom...
2. Their friend's drugs.
The reason girls don't head into the restroom solo? It's because their friend is the one carrying the goods.
3. A stranger's drugs.
There's nothing better than catching people you don't know engaging in illicit substances. Why? Because they're so willing to share their supply with you so you don't rat them out.
4. Gossiping about whether the guy who bought them a drink is a 10 or if they're just wasted.
You can't have this conversation anywhere near him, so obviously the safest place to go is the women's bathroom.
Chances are you and your friend are both equally as f*cked up, so this conversation doesn't get you anywhere until...
5. Finding and stalking him on Instagram to confirm.
It really isn't that hard to find someone on social media, especially if he gives you his name.
6. Taking and uploading ridiculous pictures they'll delete the next morning.
You may be at a 10 on the confidence scale at that very moment, but when you wake up the next day and see the awful picture you posted, you'll inevitably find yourself down to a three.
7. Making awful, regrettable Snapchat stories.
It happens to the best of us, which is why we don't tend to judge people so harshly when it's their night to embarrass themselves.
It's OK — everyone watching is probably heavily intoxicated, too.
8. Telling their life story to the bathroom attendant.
The only reason this woman is even entertaining anything you're saying is that she is hoping you'll tip her at the end of your speech.
9. Fixing our makeup only to walk out looking like a contouring-gone-wrong video.
Let's leave the contouring routine for the 8 pm time slot, when you're getting ready in your own apartment with actual lighting.
Bringing this makeup out with you to the club is just asking for trouble.
10. Rap battling.
Sometimes sh*t just gets all too real.
11. Making new BFFs.
Sure, girls will never speak to the people they meet in the restroom ever again after tonight, but that doesn't stop their drunk selves from thinking they've created lifelong bonds.
12. Eating snacks they secretly brought in their purses.
If you have never brought a protein bar or cheese stick to the club, you've never truly lived.
13. Texting their exes.
The restroom is the one safe place in the bar for texting your exes. You can lock yourself in the stall without anyone becoming aware of what terrible decision you're making.
Sure, your friend may have come in to join you, but she's too preoccupied taking selfies to see to whom you're typing.
14. More drugs.
You can do it!
15. Telling every girl who walks in how much you love her last-season outfit.
The bathroom is full of misplaced confidence and back-handed compliments. If you think otherwise, you may have been a victim.
16. Texting back-up booty calls.
If at first you don't succeed, text every single guy in your phone until one agrees to come over.
17. Figuring out a game plan...
To either a) ditch the guy and go straight to the nearest pizza place, or b) ditch your friend and go home with the guy.
18. Ordering Seamless from the stall so it's at the apartment upon arrival.
This is by far the best way to spend your time in the bathroom.
There's nothing worse than ordering food after you're already home because the chances of you falling asleep before it arrives are at an all-time high.
19. Starting fights with random girls.
You are either making best friends with strangers in the bathroom or starting unwarranted fights — there's literally no in-between.
20. Giving themselves a pep talk in the mirror.
Your wings may not be perfectly aligned, but it won't stop you from flying tonight.
21. Helping a friend try to squat while peeing.
Sometimes it takes two to tango...
Creepy guy at the bar? Run and hide in the ladies' restroom; rest assured, he definitely won't find you in there.
Sometimes you just need an emotional release after a heavy night of binge-drinking.
You aren't ready to head home just yet, so you take a much-needed timeout in the bathroom.
24. Stealing toilet paper because you don't have any at home.
Once your office catches on to your sneaky maneuvers, your best bet is to start stealing from the club.
25. Actually going to the bathroom.
The GIF says it all.