If your early twenties are for mistakes, and your late forties are for paying for those mistakes, then somewhere in post-25 is like the awkward middle child stuck between one strict parent and one fun one.
It’s the age range in which you have to start seriously thinking about being an adult, while simultaneously dealing with the repercussions that come with holding fast to your youth.
You’ve outgrown the naïveté of your early twenties, but you haven’t exactly grown up in this world. And though you think you can now get away with a lot more now (No parents! No rules!) the truth is, there is much that you are leaving behind.
1. Dressing up like a baby prostitute on Halloween
Looking like a statutory rape crime isn’t considered inventive anymore.
The next time you want to wear lingerie and call yourself a “sexy hippie,” save it for your partner’s birthday, go to Victoria’s Secret, and actually purchase a non-costume. At least you’ll be able to wear it again.
2. Dating an underclassman
Anyone who isn’t able to drink legally with you probably shouldn’t be inside the bar or your body.
Baby faces are cute until things like “House mom” and “theme date parties” and “what’s a standard deviation?” are uttered from their mouths, and then you realize just how weird this whole thing feels. Call us when you’ve graduated beyond a twin XL bed.
3. Drama drama drama
Now it’s more like gossip gossip gossip. Because between your job, your workout class, and your mom calling every five minutes, nobody has time for drama anymore.
In the digital age, it’s all about the exchange of information.
You and your posse chat more than the "Housewives" but now the fear of actually becoming them is a lot more real.
4. Missing an episode of “Breaking Bad” in favor of going out
Excuse me, what? Like there’s even a choice between not moving from the couch for four hours and putting on an uncomfortable outfit to make small talk in a room full of noise?
Kids these days, they just don’t understand that doing nothing is actually an accomplishment.
5. Worshipping Ariana Grande (or some other young pop star)
At some point, listening to a ball-strapped Disney star sing about having his braces taken off becomes a little ridiculous.
If you’re post-25, you should be obsessing over Harry Potter, not Harry Styles.
6. Eating all day and not working out
Pre-25: Eat an entire box of cookies and not freak about it like, “NBD, I’ll just walk for five minutes.”
Post-25: Eat an entire box of cookies and freak out about it like, “F*ck, I’m going to have to walk for five straight days.”
7. Skipping sunscreen
To be fair, it’s never a good time to not wear sunscreen, and most of the damage we incur later is due to our neglect from earlier in life.
So, if you haven’t warmed up to the idea of wearing sunblock already, after 25, it’s time to take more responsibility for your skin.
8. Using phrases like "YOLO"
Unless you want to sound like a dumb kid who just jumped head first into a concrete swimming pool, it’s no longer age-appropriate to use juvenile expressions like “YOLO.”
You’ve now amassed well over two decades of vocabulary, you have plenty of other words to choose from.
9. Digesting chicken rings from White Castle
Now you lack that special fast food enzyme that allows you to break down rubberized chicken toes. Sort of like outgrowing your lactose intolerance, sort of.
10. Wearing stickers on your face
Pre-25: Cool for the tailgate.
Post-25: Cool if you moonlight as an acrobat.
11. Messing around in your career
You can no longer retain your intern status and troll the Internet all day thinking no one is paying attention.
Now is when your coworkers actually start trusting you to get things done in the company, so now is when you need to start stepping it up. If you want to be CEO, you have to act the part.
12. Day drinking and then making it out afterwards
Ah, remember the good old days when a day-long rager was really just a pregame for your ensuing night out?
Post-25 hits and drinking when it’s daylight is not only a novelty, but it’s also your 4 pm nightcap.
13. Feeling insecure
It’s time to love yourself, girl! At the risk of sounding like a Skintimate commercial, unleash your inner radiance and you’ll glow from the outside.
Release your inhibitions! Feel the rain on your skin! And all that feel-good Natasha Bedingfield melody.
14. Bunking eight people in one hotel room
You’d much prefer paying the extra fifty bucks to at least have your own spot on the couch. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
15. Not understanding what a 401K is
You keep telling yourself you’ll figure it out in the future, but the thing about your “future” is is that it’s now quickly become your “present.”
Do yourself a favor and watch an instructive YouTube video... then report back with what is does, in fact, mean.
16. Caring about people who sh*t talk you
By now you’ve gained the perspective and maturity to no longer care about or associate yourself with phony people who talk behind your back.
Don’t be so concerned with what others say about you; be more concerned with what you give them to talk about.
17. Attending a weekend-long music festival
Remember when you first started attending music festivals and were always puzzled/creeped out by the older, older peeps who really didn’t belong?
Congratulations! You’re now one of them! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not attend Avicii’s lightshow.
18. Instagramming birthday collages
You’re not paying tribute to the birthday girl -- you’re paying tribute to the fact that you somehow had enough time on your hands to insult Instagram accounts everywhere and bring shame to your family’s name.
You’re over 25, Arts&Crafts let out a long time ago.
19. Sitting at the kids’ table
The fateful day has come in which you’ve graduated to the grown-up table because, you’re a big girl now!
Start brushing up on your international douchebag diplomacy and practice saying, “I don’t discuss politics at mealtime.” Bonus: Eat from the bread basket and then you’ll really impress people.
20. Keeping your eyes open past 11 pm
The struggle is real. And made worse by trying to fight it.
21. Blowing your entire bonus on a handbag
Maybe this round you’ll only blow part of your bonus on a handbag and save the rest for real things, like much-needed vacation and daily coffee.
Don’t save money, make more money.
22. Celebrating your birthday for three days
You get ONE day. That’s it. And if someone forgot to bring in cupcakes on your special day, then you’re going to have to wait until next year to celebrate again.
There are no "do-overs" in life. This includes your day of birth and the time your parents didn’t use a condom.
23. Renting a car and crashing it
Good news: You’re finally old enough to rent a car legally with all the perks.
Bad news: You’re finally old enough to receive the highest possible punishment if you mess it up. See, isn’t getting older fun!?
24. Standing all night in high heels
The bathroom attendant’s chair just became your new best friend. Oh no, you’re complaining about your feet and realizing that you’re turning into your mother.
Fight the urge to put on the Ugg slippers and maybe we’ll forget this ever happened.
25. Wearing a colored bra underneath a white tank top
It’s tempting, we know. But undergarments are called undergarments for a reason and just like you wouldn’t want your hot pink thong showing through your white jeans, the same goes for up top.
It’s way more fun to save it for a big reveal later, anyway.
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr