When my mother texts me at midnight on a Friday night, it’s usually because she wants to judge the drunken Instagram I shared on Facebook.
This time, it wasn’t.
"We’re going to Mexico in November, you should come if you can!" she said.
She normally never bothers inviting me on her trips, since I always say “no” or can't get off work.
However, this time was different.
I hadn't been on vacation in nearly two years and hadn't even left New York since my ex and I broke up over a year ago. I needed some tequila-laced piña coladas, and I needed them bad.
I accepted, becoming increasingly excited in the weeks leading up to the trip.
I bought new bathing suits, tried (read: failed) to lose five pounds and extensively researched the resort.
On day one of the trip, I asked to switch rooms so I could be further away from my mother.
Day five, I contemplated feeding my little sister to a dolphin.
By day seven, I was in a permanent drunken stupor. All that booze drowned out the incessant commentary from my mom and grandmother.
During day nine, I happily came down with a case of food poisoning. It gave me adequate reason to not leave my room for the entire day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. When I spend a little too much time with them, however, it's a different story.
With the holidays approaching, we will all inevitably spend extended amounts of time with our families.
Come Christmas Eve, we'll be begging Santa for a one-way ticket back to our apartments. But, all these panicked thoughts will happen beforehand.
1. Will it ever end?
What’s real life even like? Do I have any friends?
2. I should probably stop calling my mom and dad “Mommy” and “Daddy.”
I feel like this gets creepy some point after sweet 16.
3. Wait, I have to cook for myself now?
Groceries don’t magically appear in the fridge anymore?
4. So, this is how you do laundry the right way.
There’s an actual process behind it, not just dumping everything in the washing machine with a Tide Pod and hoping for the best.
5. What is it like to actually pay for things?
There’s nothing like having Mom foot the takeout Chinese bill.
And the dry cleaning bill.
And virtually everything ever because you’re broke as f*ck.
6. The Disney Channel ain’t so bad.
Sure, "Lizzie McGuire" and "Even Stevens" have been off the air since your tween years, but Disney shows are still better than most grown-up TV, anyway.
7. Was it always so awkward watching kissing scenes with my grandparents?
Bonus points if you look away or make awkward conversation while they’re going at it on your TV.
8. How come the only person I’m comfortable around in this family is the dog?
At least he truly gets me.
9. They totally know about my not-so-secret tattoo.
I swear it’s only Sharpie, Mom!
10. I am turning into my mother.
Bonus points for un-ironically overusing the term “honey” and suddenly developing a fondness for low-fat cottage cheese.
11. I need to chill more with my grandpa.
Gramps can party harder than most of the frat guys I’ve met in college.
12. Why does my dad remind me of my ex-boyfriend?
13. Maybe I should just go on JDate.
At least 98 percent of the guys on there are guaranteed to be a doctor or a lawyer.
14. Getting married young isn’t so bad.
It worked out for my grandparents, right?
15. Okay, the guy from temple they keep trying to hook me up with is kind of cute.
At least we already know my family likes him.
16. Maybe I really did lose weight.
Everyone keeps saying I need meat on my bones, so going Paleo for three days must have worked.
17. Wait, people still have house phones?
And they still use them? What is this, the 19th century?
18. I should’ve just gone to law school.
That way, my grandparents will stop asking me what “online publishing” means.
19. How is my old room three times the size of my apartment?
Also, how is it always so clean? Are there magical elves who make the bed every morning?
20. It could be worse.
Unlike my roommates, my family unconditionally loves me.
Even when I haven’t washed my hair for a week and look a lot like Chewbacca. Thanks, guys.