I said it once and I'll say it again -- F the club. Yup, F it. It's an overrated pit of despair, comparable to a circle of hell in Dante's "Inferno."
It's a crowded, crowded place filled with incredibly drunk people pretending to have a great time. You can't hear sh*t, you can't see sh*t and you definitely can't move for sh*t.
There is no happy medium at a club: You are either too drunk to be able to actually enjoy it or too sober to be able to deal with it.
If that isn't enough reason to avoid this awful place, well here are 15 more:
1. Bouncers are clearly overcompensating for something
You're just a doorman, DOORMAN! No, seriously, is it a prerequisite to be a huge a-hole in order to land a bouncer gig?
I understand you encounter a bunch of snotty 20-somethings regularly, but there's no reason to be rude to people who aren't acting out of line.
2. It's overcrowded
Trying to get a drink at a club is a nightmare. Everyone is pushing, trying to make eye contact with the ONE bartender who seems to be working.
Why is it that there is always just one person behind the bar when the club is packed on a Friday or Saturday night?
3. Drinks are too damn expensive
Excuse me, $16 for a well drink -- is this some sort of sick, sadistic joke? Who can even afford more than one of these watered-down, nasty drinks anyway?
Don't think you're being clever in opting for a beer either because it can cost you just as much.
4. Cover charge isn't just a myth
Cover charge... for girls? I've never heard of such a thing... Shouldn't you be encouraging females to come to your club?
5. You can't hear anything
Good luck trying to hear anything over the outdated Avicii playing from the speakers. You can't even attempt to hold a conversation with the person next to you because it's too damn loud. Wow, I sound like a grandma...
6. You get lost far too easily
Women go to the bathroom together at a club because if one girl goes by herself, she will never see her friends again. You think you can sneak away quickly and grab a drink, but that's a 25 minute process in and of itself.
Not a single person is looking at her phone (unless she is posting a picture), so your texts asking where everyone went will go unanswered, as you feverishly scan the room for your friends.
7. There is a thing called the surprise grind
Apparently, if you are out dancing on the floor with your friends, you're giving creepy men everywhere the go-ahead to dance with you.
I'm not sure when we started ignoring the concept of personal space, but clearly the club is where it goes to die.
8. The majority of attendees are 17-year-old females
These girls are scary and threatening all at the same damn time! How did they get in here? Did they have to pay cover, too? Definitely not, as what they are wearing can't even be considered clothing. Must be nice to be young.
9. You can't go with your guy friends
Chances are your guy friends aren't willing to pay the ridiculous cover to get in. For some reason bouncers are much tougher on guys regardless if they're coming with a huge group of girls. Clubs basically have a rule against letting in anyone who isn't dropping top dollar on watered-down vodka.
10. You have to wear heels
No girl likes wearing heels and if she tells you otherwise, well then she's just a liar. You have to be drunk just to be able to walk around in them.
Good luck if you fall in front of the bouncer because he will just assume you're wasted and kick you out.
11. People at the tables think they own the club
Wow, congratulations, you are drinking promoter vodka. Yes I know it's coming out of a Grey Goose bottle, but let's be real, they probably dumped that elsewhere and filled it with Vladdy.
You only got into the club because this 30-something, greasy guy (who gets paid to bring girls) let you in. Relax. You don't own anything because, without his help, you'd still be waiting on line.
12. It's dirty
Regardless of the fact that it's a high-end night club, people are still spilling their drinks all over the place. I mean what is the point of putting on a $150 jumpsuit when it's just going to be covered in vodka soda by the end of the night?
13. The bathrooms are a disaster
By 1 am, the bathroom lines are ridiculously long -- between the girls who got too drunk and have to pee every five seconds, and the girls who just got to the club and need a stall so they can catch up to everyone else, it's a f*cking nightmare.
14. The pictures
Everywhere you look, you see groups of girls trying to get a new "like" record on Instagram. Such behavior is rampant because the dark club makes a great excuse to use heavy filters.
15. The guys suck
They are either: 1. 30+ years old because no young guys can really afford to pay that ridiculous cover, so they creep on 18-year-olds, or 2. they just took the train from Long Island/New Jersey and are barely 5-feet-tall mommas' boys who live off their parents' money.
Bonus: Seamless doesn't deliver to clubs
Not like I've tried...
Photo credit: Kirill Was Here