If you're wondering why you haven't met your Joseph Gordon-Levitt in "500 Days of Summer," it's because he doesn't exist. What movies do a really good job at (and are supposed to) is making us believe that the perfectly chiseled, prince charming total package exists in real life.
The reality is that while we may be lucky enough to find that special someone, there's no way he'll be the romantic, selfless, sensitive and yet badass guy that Hollywood loves to script.
Growing up we wished we would meet our Mr. Darcy who would give up everything and literally move mountains for us. Until then, here's hoping...
He’ll Drop Everything To Meet You Across The Country - "The Parent Trap"
We’ve had our fair share of long distance relationships to know that this is a complete fantasy, probably dreamed up by some sad writer who wishes it would’ve worked out. If the dude has a steady job in a city he likes, he’s not going to decide to give it all up for you (seriously, do you know how hard it is for millennials to find a real occupation these days?). Chances are if you meet and he finds out you’re from out-of-town, you’re going to be his short-term fling, not his excuse to move to Oregon.
He’ll Write You Love Letters - "The Notebook"
Except on your birthday and when he really messes up, don’t expect any romantic handwritten letters professing his undying love for you. It’s 2013, he’ll email you a dick pic instead.
Love At First Sight - "Titanic"
Forget the fact that no guy is going to die for you after just a week of knowing you (but seriously Rose, there was enough room for two on that wooden slab, you hog!). Jack falling head-over-heels when meeting Rose (and her rack) for the first time wasn’t love – it was “I wanna f*ck you” eyes.
When a guy first sees us, we’re lucky if we can get him to think about something other than what we look like naked, let alone the rest of our lives together.
Dancing When There’s No Music - "My Best Friend's Wedding"
This is one of our favorite scenes in the movie, and still it has yet to happen to us in real life (HINT HINT). Dancing when there’s no music only seems to occur in the movies because there’s an inevitable soundtrack and the actors are paid not to feel awkward.
But, wouldn’t it be nice if we were swept off our feet because the moment was just so magical? Sigh, we’ll just have to stick to bumpin’ and grindin’ to an Avicii song for now.
He’ll Prevent Us From Leaving - "Cruel Intentions"
If we have a plane to catch, we’re going to get on that plane -- unless he’s the one paying extra for a new ticket. And if he really was that upset that we were leaving, he’d FaceTime us when we landed. Nowadays, even if our men wanted to dramatically appear at the airport they wouldn’t be able to get past security. So there goes that dream.
Making Out In The Rain - "Pride And Prejudice"
Ah, the quintessential rain scene. When Mr. Darcy stands sopping wet in the torrential downpour and confesses his love for Elizabeth, we pretty much gave up then and there.
Because we realized that it’s almost impossible to make it rain at the exact moment we want, in an English countryside, with a man dressed impeccably well and who has all his hair. What would be a better tactic? Once it’s pouring rain, grabbing a rando on the street and laying a big one should do the trick.
He’ll Perform A Grand Gesture To Profess His Love - "10 Things I Hate About You"
What woman can resist a man who sings? Not us. After watching a young age Heath Ledger famously serenade Julia Stiles in front of the entire school, we secretly hoped our middle school crush would break out in song during second period gym class.
When that didn’t happen, we reserved our fantasy for college because we thought “anything goes when you’re an undergrad!” We were wrong. Most men don’t have enough balls to tell their mothers to stop shopping for them – there’s no chance they’d muster up the courage to stop traffic and proclaim their love for us.
Truly, Madly, Deeply, Love - "Atonement"
True confession: we pretty much cried the entire movie. The kind of love between Kiera Knightley and James McAvoy just doesn’t exist anymore with the advent of Skype. They were like the Romeo and Juliet of WWII – tragically in love, forever. Ladies, you understand.
The One That Got Away Will Come Back - "Wedding Crashers"
Usually, “the one that got away” stays that way and out of the picture. Yet for some reason, he always is able to come back in the movies, particularly at the expense of the woman. In “Wedding Crashers,” it’s clear that Owen Wilson lost his shot by deceiving Rachel McAdams, and yet he still is able to win her over – during her wedding nonetheless! Huh? We think about the one that got away all the time, and he isn’t coming back to stop our nuptials.
He’s probably banging someone else right now actually and not thinking about us at all. Modern day version: Rachel McAdams goes through marrying Bradley Cooper, and then cheats on him for years when Owen Wilson finally comes back into the picture.
He’ll Fall For The Side Kick - “Bend It Like Beckham”
On what planet does the sexy male point guard disregard the girl group’s hottest shining member and go for the quiet, pseudo-ugly sidekick? We tried playing that card and it didn’t work...multiple times. “Bend It Like Beckham” gave us hope that all of us background players would actually get a chance with the male lead. Nope. Not happening. Only in Disney, where dreams do come true...(slow tears)...
He’ll See Past Our Past - "Pretty Woman"
If you got baggage, don’t bring it into a new relationship. We don’t care what lies “Pretty Woman” told, if you’re a former hooker, ex-con or retired porn star, it’s going to be a lot more challenging to find a partner, forget about a successful well-to-do investment banker.
Sure, you might be as charming as Julia Roberts, but let’s face it – unless you switch professions to say, a stewardess or school teacher, you’re not winning that businessman’s heart with a résumé that reads, “Prostitute, Drug Addict, Convict.” And on the off-chance you do, you better be real good at keeping that part a secret. And don’t go on “Real Housewives” because that sh*t will definitely come out.