10 New Kinds Of B*tch Because The Basic B*tch Is Too Basic
If there’s one thing we can all agree on in 2015, it’s the expiration of the “Basic Bitch.” The expression has become as basic as the description itself.
But, there are still plenty of people pissing us off in this world, to whom the term does not apply.
While the basic bitches were taking the spotlight off everyone else, these people were flourishing in numbers, creating a whole new category of bitch.
Hey, it’s America. We don’t support monopolies here, including the market on bitchiness.
You know her and you hate her just the same. Basic bitches everywhere can weep harder than the day they heard Ryan Gosling impregnated Eva Mendes -- their time is officially over.
Here are the 10 new kinds of bitch because basic is sooo basic.
1. The Fashion Bitch
She’s name-dropping so hard, you have to sweep the floor after she leaves.
The Fashion Bitch loves Helmut Lang more than she loves her boyfriend and is dressed so impeccably well, it’s enough to simultaneously fall in love with her and want to maul her Karl Lagerfeld-label-loving outfit.
Likes: Fashion Week, her hairstylist mainstay at Rita Hazan, sample sales, layering, judging people by their clothes
Dislikes: Anything old, including people’s perfume and pre-Kanye Kim Kardashian, "sceney parties," eating
Ideal Bitch Move: The Fashion Bitch will steal your boyfriend. Plain and simple. That’s why Bravo TV exists.
2. The Festival Bitch
The chill, music-loving poseur. She’s a real fan, okay? Like, she totally loves Ziggy Marley more than Bob and can pontificate on some vaguely-relevant-but-eternally-cool-band, like the Rolling Stones, for hours. Only problem, boho chick? All of that sounds as obtuse as your wide-brimmed hat.
Likes: Floral crowns, fringe anything that Nicole Richie (OR KATE BOSWORTH?) would wear, crochet, candles that smell like pine and woods(tock)
Dislikes: <Coachella (just kidding -- I’m going again / listening to Chet Faker / dressing year-round-for-it)
Ideal Bitch Move: She stole your secret aspiring baby name, Meadow / Blake / Blair.
3. The Second College Bitch
The one who gets another degree and acts like no one else is busting their asses.
What kind of degree it is, is irrelevant; it can be any degree because you’re still going to her first, second, third, fourth and so on graduation parties.
Likes: Trendy backpacks, Warby Parker, using the word “professor,” hibernating during finals and finding the time to go to the gym when everyone else is at the office
Dislikes: Stressing out when the *insert big state exam* comes around, finding a job after graduating, getting out-of-control drunk
Ideal Bitch Move: Not inviting you to the “Tequila Mockingbird” party
4. The Social Media Bitch
You’ve probably only met this girl once or twice in person because her whole life is staged for Instagram and Snapchat, and... you get it.
Likes: Valencia or X-Pro, likes (unrelated), convincing smiles, pizza, hot spots and using her phone at the table to take pictures
Dislikes: Bad lighting, other social media bitches
Ideal Bitch Move: Sending you a Snapchat play-by-play of her 10-day Thailand excursion (pre-planning leading up to it included)
5. The Boyfriend Bitch
In case the sudden disappearance of Friday night plans and one-night stand recaps weren’t any indication, she has a boyfriend now.
You two are through. And, she’d prefer if you referred to her as “we,” thank you very much.
Likes: Her boyfriend, holding hands, sharing pizza and watching the string pull like “Lady and the Tramp,” charity events, and... I don’t know, ask him
Dislikes: His ex, parties where he is not invited
Ideal Bitch Move: Make you feel bad about being single
6. The Boring Bitch
She’s the one who offers nothing but expects everything. Quite possibly the most frustrating of all bitches.
Likes: Sending back the wine, complaining about her diet, vodka sodas, men who pick up the tab, Taylor Swift
Dislikes: Watching sports, reading books, contributing
Ideal Bitch Move: Being the last to leave the party
7. The ‘Cool Girl’ Bitch
She’s a male construct of what they want women to be and she gladly assumes this role, effectively undermining the rest of us. She puts up with the macho bullsh*t when she knows better.
Likes: Football, poker, dirty jokes and sex, video games, beer, hot dogs, glossy hair and eating a lot without gaining weight
Dislikes: Getting angry, being asked what she wants to do
Ideal Bitch Move: Setting women back
8. The Money Bitch
She’s the person who always wants to do the expensive thing. She has no regard for how much things cost and doesn’t care you don’t take credit card.
Likes: Big girl dinners, overpriced restaurants, ordering in, daily morning coffees, Venmo, talking about her non-existent money problems
Dislikes: Cash-only establishments, cheap beer, bowling, men who wear strong body spray and are from New Jersey, Paris Hilton
Ideal Bitch Move: Forcing everyone to follow her plans. You know you won’t be spending less than $100 tonight.
9. The Realistic Bitch
She’s always trying to ruin the fun and pull down the mood. You can’t go to her for advice unless you want to hear everything that’s wrong with you.
Likes: ABC’s "20/20," depressing documentaries, leaving places early, truth bombs, drab clothes, divorce stories, female boxing instructors
Dislikes: "Loud" fashion, Gwyneth Paltrow
Ideal Bitch Move: Discourage you from going for it
10. The Actual Bitch
Self-explanatory. The actual bitch is actually really evil.
Likes: Spinning, Regina George, blowing up people’s spots, saying “I’m not a bitch, I’m just being honest” as a defense, resting bitch face, not sharing her french fries
Dislikes: Ugly people, happiness, men who don’t worship her, chipped nails, calling Grandma, communicating
Ideal Bitch Move: She can’t pick a favorite.