Ladies – when we know, we know.
We’ve gone through 20-something years of life, and have enough experience to be certain that, sometimes, a particular occurrence or result is unfailingly unavoidable.
There’s no statistical evidence, and there are no written or codified laws proving these to be true.
But when nearly all girls agree, and have experienced the same phenomena over and over, there’s enough non-empirical, circumstantial evidence to classify them as true.
It’s time to accept them as facts. If you’ve never experienced them – you are welcome. Take note.
The 10 points below shall now be classified as unprovable, but invariable facts.
1. Fat days are real.
They genuinely, truly are. There is no reason for you to wake up feeling and looking seven pounds heavier than you did the day before.
There is no reason for your perfectly-fitting jeans to suddenly pinch and hurt in unexpected places.
But to deny it is futile.
You’re just having a fat day, and if you can call in sick to work and avoid both male and female company for the next 24 hours, that would be fabulous. It’s a day for workout clothes or (God forbid) sweats and you’ll be back in pencil skirts tomorrow.
2. Men with slicked-bag hair are douchebags.
There may – repeat, may — be an exception to this rule, but I’ve yet to find him.
It’s unfortunate because it’s obviously an attractive look, but it’s simply the case that men who spend time each morning slicking their hair back with gel, often touching it up during the day, are not the kind of men you want to spend long-term time with.
Celebrity cases in point include Lord Disick (who we love, but wouldn’t necessarily want to make Masons and Penelopes with) and Leonardo DiCaprio, who, luckily for us, only seems to like Victoria’s Secret models anyway.
3. The offside rule really makes no sense.
You may not even know what I’m talking about, in which case more power to you, but in the spirit of the World Cup, I’m referring to our futile attempts at understanding this particular soccer rule.
A player has to be in between the ball and another player? That sentence even looks grammatically incorrect and wrong.
Also, does this only apply to goal shooting or general play?
And it obviously makes no sense because, clearly, most girls have more brain-power than your average soccer player. And if we don’t understand it, how can they?
4. Men in short-sleeved shirts are lame.
This is a personal pet peeve, but may, in fact, be a universal rule. They look dorky and sartorially challenged. Even a man with huge biceps can't pull it off as a good look. Polo shirts and t-shirts are fine, but when it comes to a semi-formal shirt, it’s long sleeved all the way.
Unless he’s under the age of eight, in which case, you’ve got a lot of other problems.
5. When you have a chipped nail, it is impossible to think about anything else.
You leave the salon feeling great, two coats of Wicked firmly in place. Two blocks later, you attempt to reach for your keys inside your purse, and the invariable chip or smudge occurs.
You silently curse, debate going back and realize you don’t have time.
You think about nothing else – not work, not friends, not family, not the news — until said chip has been rectified. Until then, you look down at the offending nail repeatedly, hoping it will have magically restored itself to pre-chip glory.
Sound familiar? Women, you are not alone.
6. One boob will always be bigger than the other.
Whether you’re well-endowed or small-breasted, we all have two boobs that we know and love. We’ve watched them grow, we buy pretty bras for them and we display them whenever we can. (Just me?)
One is, without fail, bigger. Sometimes the bigger one actually seems to grow and the smaller one seems to shrink, so you’re convinced the rest of the world will notice your mismatched, uneven, freakish boobs.
They will not, but you know their differing sizes to be true.
7. Food tastes better when it’s not yours.
That is, when it’s eaten (stolen?) off your mom, boyfriend, sister or friend’s plate. Even if you’ve ordered the exact same thing, theirs literally tastes better.
This may be because we attempt to convince ourselves that calories don’t count this way, or it may be because it’s technically food we didn’t pay for, but either way, it’s just more delicious when it’s not your own.
8. You never feel as confident as when you leave the hairdresser.
Throughout the course of the week or even day, time will take its toll.
Your hair will kink, your makeup will run, your shoes will start to hurt. But in those five minutes, walking down the street with shiny, bouncy hair... you feel utterly invincible.
9. You will always miss a spot shaving.
No matter how well you think you’ve covered every angle, got the ankles and knees under control, ran your hands up and down and felt nothing but smooth skin… there will be a spot.
You’ll find it later, maybe as you sunbathe, maybe as you put on a short dress. It is inevitable. Just do your best and don’t fight it.
10. “Tidying up” your eyebrows never ends well.
A stray hair here, and a stray hair there, and suddenly you’re left with two thin lines only visible under a powerful microscope. You can’t help but get carried away. You keep going and going until there’s nothing left to go with.
Not a good look. Leave it to the professionals, and don’t touch them yourself.
Photo Courtesy: Tumblr