I've always admired others for their workout routines. I don't work out. It's not because I don't want to. It's because I'm lazy.
But every morning, when runners and cyclists whiz past me, or when social media reminds me that my friends are sweating it out during boxing class, I like to dream about which exercise would suit me best.
You may not realize it, but your sweat session says a lot about you (and it may not be what you think). Actually, it's probably exactly what you think. Regardless, here is what your workout says about you, from an outsider's perspective:
You were born a maniac: a cute maniac, but a maniac nonetheless. But thanks to your downward dog dedication, you are now zen AF. Let's face it: Yoga isn't so much for your waistline as it is for your head.
Yoga works like a happy pill by massaging out the madness and making our hormones release the batsh*t crazy thoughts that are imprinted on our inner psyche.
You might as well spray paint yourself gold because your body is a goddamn trophy. Honestly, with a bod like that, I don't even know what inspires you to put clothes on every day.
I mean, maybe the law. But still, you're regal: law-abiding or not.
Spin is my game. I mean, if I were to work out, it would be spin. Sitting on a bike is better than not sitting at all.
What other exercise can you do whilst simultaneously eating a macaroon or cold cut combo? Ladies, I give you the "lazy girl workout." Bless it.
You give a million-dollar bruise with a million-dollar bash. This girl doesn't even bat an eyelash.
Boldness is your breed. You literally eat tears for breakfast, and you sweat out lemons. Muhammad Ali is out there somewhere, basking in loads of money. But if he knew about you, he'd be losing his sh*t.
There's salsa, strip aerobics, ballet and hip-hop, to name a few. Who cares which one you're rolling your hips and lip-syncing Beyoncé to? You're burning calories, and looking hot while doing it.
Is there a better life hack than this? I doubt it.
Sound the alarm and notify Obama. You have all the answers to life's burning questions. We bow to you now. Amen.
Your hardest, most fulfilling workout doesn't even have to involve you leaving your sheets. Whether it's a rise and shine kind of morning or an afternoon delight, grab that hunky sex partner and go to town: pleasure town.
Bonus tip: Set your phone next to your bed so that your health app can track all the calories you're burning, and relish in that greatness of yours.
Everyone has that rich Republican friend who does laps in a heated pool in some distant mansion. Why not?
Swimming is the Brad Pitt of workouts. Grab an overpriced one-piece, your favorite shades and a sense of entitlement. You've got this one in the bag.
“No pain, no gain,” is what you always say. Your friends tell you that you should make t-shirts instead of running around, mouthing pretentious “work hard, pay hard” mottos.
Real talk though: Your firm abs are your ticket toward being a tip-top Tinder winner, and the mirror is basically flirting with you nonstop. You'd have it no other way.
9. Running Outside
There's no doubt you honor your resting bitch face, while inspiring others to do the same. You don't overcomplicate life.
You keep things short and sweet, which is why you like to chill your sh*t out with a simple run through the park. This way, you stock up on your fresh air, nature and physical activity all at once. You get sh*t done.
Sure, to some, rolling around on baby-sized wheels in the middle of summer may seem a little '80s. But f*ck it: It's fun, and you prefer to imagine what it would be like to be Gwen Stefani circa Blake Shelton, blading down a red vines musical tunnel. If anyone can bring blading back, it's you.
11. Boot Camp
No, this is not a camp where baby sitters gather together with their new Doc Martens and piping hot, non-fat chai lattes to discuss fashion trends around a bonfire. Boot camp is for a real-life Buffy Summers who uses her six-pack as a washboard, and her rock-hard bod to slice mangos.
She is the friend who doesn't give courtesy laughs or compliments that aren't deserved. Boot up.
You dance around the basketball court, soccer field and tennis court like a goddamn ninja because you have all the coordination of Stephen Curry and the spunk of Serena Williams. You came to play, and your opponents had better have brought some armor and tissues because you run on straight badassery.
Your treadmill workout is like that one boring friend you've had since the sixth grade. You know the one: He or she is predictable and reliable, but lacks everything from a sense of humor to any personality whatsoever.
Still, you love this friend because of his or her vulnerability and loyalty. By now, your friend is considered family, since you religiously visit him or her three times a week.
Whether it's to Nordstrom, Sephora, the farmer's market or an estate sale, spending money is your cardio. Breaking a sweat is just not in your DNA.
Breaking the bank is, however, and in copious amounts. You can't fight your genetic code, so don't try. Embrace your Cher Horowitz tendencies with a comfortable Nike tennis shoe and an eye for discounts. The world is literally your half-priced oyster.
There you have it: a complete rundown of your workout personality thought up by someone who doesn't know you at all. If that isn't cutting-edge journalism, I don't know what is.