Look, we all understand that life is a terrifying maze, adulthood is a hell made of emails and we all need serious, serious help.
For the answers to life's questions, some look to alcohol, some look to books and I look to psychics who beg to me from windows marked by crappy neon signs.
It's not how Jesus got his start, but who am I to judge? I'm the one getting life advice from a fake fortune teller.
But, I've actually learned quite a lot on my own in the process.
First, you need to decide which hand to read.
Some palm readers choose to read whichever hand is dominant, but I like the theory that you should read both, backed by the belief that your non-dominant hand is your potential, and your dominant hand is what you've done with that potential.
Comparing the two palms is like getting graded by God, which may not be healthy, but it's definitely fun.
The four types of hands
Hands in palm reading are divided into four categories: earth, air, fire and water
1. Earth Hands
Earth hands are wide, with square-shaped palms and fingers, thick or rough skin and ruddy in appearance. The length of the palm is usually equal to the length of the fingers.
Earth-handed people are practical and level-headed people who learn by doing something rather than reading about it.
They absolutely love the outdoors and outdoor activities like hiking or surfing. Even taking walks are the fastest way to hit the re-charge button on their souls.
2. Air Hands
Air hands feature square or rectangular palms with long fingers and protruding knuckles. The length of the palm is usually equal to the length of the fingers, and they may have dry skin.
Air types are thinkers and communicators. They're full of ideas, but are prone to worry and stress because of a tendency to intellectualize their emotions.
3. Water Hands
Water hands have a short, sometimes oval palm with long, flexible fingers. Their palm is usually wider than it is long, with fingers equal to the height of the palm.
People with water hands are very emotional. They're idealistic, artistic and naturally cautious, and their sensitivity can leave them prone to overindulgence in drugs or alcohol.
4. Fire hands
Fire hands have a square or rectangular palm, flushed skin and shorter fingers. The length of the palm is greater than the length of the fingers.
Fire hand types are energetic, determined and on the move. They're easily bored and need variety, and they can be a little impatient and intolerant.
People with fire hands are fiercely independent, and they make great leaders and passionate lovers.
Decipher the lines
The lines on the hand constitute four different categories: heart, head, life (destiny) and fate.
It may seem like destiny and fate would mean the same thing, but in palmistry, they differ in their meaning. Stay with me on this.
Heart line symbolizes matters of love and romance.
If it starts under your index finger, you have a satisfying love life.
Beneath your middle finger indicates you're a selfish lover, and if it begins in between your first finger and your middle finger, it means you're idealistic, falling in love very easily.
A short heart line denotes little interest in romance.
If your heart line touches your life line, it means your heart breaks easily. A long, curvy heart line symbolizes someone who can easily express their feelings.
A straight heart line that is placed parallel to your life line makes you very practical when it comes to your emotions, and a wavy heart line indicates you're a real playboy/playgirl with many lovers, but very few serious relationships.
Head line symbolizes intellect or wisdom.
A short head line means you place more importance on physical accomplishments than intellectual ones, like you would rather make a movie than graduate from film school.
A wavy head line indicates a short attention span, while a deep, long line is evidence of a clear, focused thinker.
A straight head line means you are a realist.
If your head line is separated from your life line, it's indicative of an optimistic outlook on life and a personality that is constantly in search of adventure.
If there is a circle or cross in your head line, this denotes an emotional crisis of some kind.
Multiple crosses show you have to make a lot of very big decisions in your lifetime.
In general, a curvy head line denotes creativity and spontaneity, while a straight line favors practicality and structure.
Life line symbolizes the line of destiny.
Contrary to popular belief, the length of your life line doesn't show when you're going to die, but it does indicate characteristics of your personality, as well as potential events that could happen in your life.
If your life line is very close to your thumb and is more straight than curved, you are likely to be a slow-moving person. You may be prone to laziness when not working and often feel tired.
Straight lines also indicate caution in relationships.
A wide, curved life line means you're energetic and are of good, stable health. If it swoops in a semi-circle, you have a strong and enthusiastic attitude and a capacity to lead.
A long, deep life line shows your inner vitality, while a short and shallow life line means you are easily manipulated by others.
Breaks in the life line show the number of major changes in lifestyle you will make in life.
The fate line is very special because not everybody has one.
It can be read in conjunction with the life line to show the future. If you have a fate line on your dominant hand, but not on your non-dominant hand, it means events in your life have made you take fate into your own hands.
If you have a short fate line or no fate line, it means you feel free to take a break in the middle of any job and redirect your focus and energies to something completely different at any time.
You may be seen as more of a free spirit by friends with a longer fate line on their hands.
A deep fate line shows you are strongly controlled by destiny.
If there are a lot of breaks in your fate line, it means that external forces will change your life many times, but that you will persevere no matter what.
A fate line that is joined to the life line shows you have natural entrepreneurship skills and the power to become a self-made, self-taught rock star.
If your fate line starts at the base of your palm, you will find yourself in the public eye often.
If the fate line on your right hand stops at the head line, you tend to become bored with tasks or jobs with a lot of rules, restrictions and responsibility involved.
You generally won't reach as high a level of success working for others, as you would working independently.
If the fate line on your right hand stops at your heart line, you let your emotions and personal relations rule your business decisions.
It is very difficult for you to make the tough career decisions that could result in someone else getting hurt. Try to be decisive and fair in making decisions, without letting emotions get in the way by making you feel guilty.
Aside from looking creepy AF, long-fingered people are interested in the details of stories and events.
You like to mentally take ideas and things apart and put them back together again to better understand them before taking action.
You also operate from a more feminine energy, so you're more nurturing than your short-fingered counterparts.
You short-fingered people don't need or want as much information from the outer world as do long-fingered people.
You operate more on intuition, and you don't need or look for advice from others. You do just fine using your own personal resources.
Short-fingered people are action-oriented and don't need or want lengthy explanations from other people.
The challenge for them is not to jump to conclusions and take action without studying the situation first.
Regardless of whether your fingers are long or short, people who normally hold and display their hands with open fingers feel safe and secure most of the time.
They're free-spirited people with a "live and let live" attitude, not ruled by conventional rules of others.
They don't like to listen to the opinions of others, and they feel free to chart their own course in life based on their own unique views.
When the fingers are held tightly together with the palm open and flat, it is a sign that the person feels unsafe and not receptive to new ideas.
If the fingers are stiff, it shows this person is very resistant to any changes to their present state of mind.
Stiff fingers tell the world, "Don't bother me! I don't need your help!"
So, that's everything you need to know in order to read your palm.
Though you may not be a physic, at least you can discover your own destiny.