So you know how being a woman is empowering ONLY when you're listening to Beyoncé, and the rest of the time it's like being terrorized by your own body, the body you have been taught to hate since the first Disney movie you ever watched?
We are tortured by our hormones, which control more of our mood than we're willing to admit, and may God help any man who even mentions them around us.
If I'm asked even once about whether or not I am PMS-ing, or if my hormones are even spoken about, my boyfriend will pay a very dear price.
But as it turns out, life isn't so unfair.
The cycle we go through that lasts an entire month? Yeah, turns out men go through their own entire hormone cycle EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
And that daily hormone cycle, as it turns out, answers a lot of questions about why men are the way they are.
It goes like this:
Morning testosterone level = hotter than a chili pepper
When a man wakes up in the morning, his testosterone levels are the highest they'll be all day, which makes him more energetic, focused, sociable, aggressive, competitive and quick to react.
Testosterone also makes him prone to anger, which means if he drops a dish or trips on the bed frame, he's much more likely to lose his fucking shit over it.
That being said, all that juiced-up testosterone really gets his libido going, which explains why men always think that morning sex is a great idea, regardless of how disgusting your breath is.
That said, sex is just about the only team activity he's good for when testosterone is this high.
He's better off pursuing activities solo at the beginning of his hormone cycle (probably has something to do with that crazy temper).
Noon testosterone level = mid-grade
He might not be at the bottom of his tank yet, but by the middle of the day, a guy's testosterone levels have pretty much leveled off, making him much better suited for working with others.
He still has the energy he had this morning, but he's not so likely to fly off the handle.
Interestingly, this is the best time of day for a guy to go on a date since he's his most hormonally balanced self, and since working with others by listening and talking comes easily to him now.
Evening testosterone level = basically a woman
This is when testosterone levels are at their lowest, and men are most likely to be their most nurturing selves.
They are more agreeable to doing things they wouldn't normally do and most likely to let things slide they ordinarily wouldn't.
Not to make this a giant manipulation technique, but now is probably the best time of day to ask him to do you favors that you need done in the morning since he'll be more likely to agree to them now.
There are a ton of variable activities throughout the day that can cause spontaneous spikes in testosterone, things like video games, watching action movies or watching sports.
But technically, this is the overall pattern of a male hormone cycle.
Hopefully, it helps you better understand these already very simple creatures we call men.