Thirstiest Girl In America Does All She Can To Get Rory McIlroy's Attention, Fails Miserably

by Dan Scotti

Everyone flexes from time to time.

Last month, during Wimbledon, I threw a C ($100) on young Australian Nick Kyrgios to take down the mighty Rafa Nadal at almost +1000 (10 to 1 odds). My man Kyrgios won, and subsequently, I cashed out.

I hit the Louis Vuitton boutique that very same day and figured I’d stunt with a nice Damier print wallet. Hey, after calling that upset, I deserved it.

In the weeks that followed, any time a girl ( I deemed above a 5.5 on my rating scale) passed me, best believe I took my new, fresh, wallet out. You know, just to flex.

Half the time I wasn’t even buying sh*t. I’d just like pull it out in the middle of the street and rearrange my ID cards. Hoping to elicit some response. Clearly, none came.

And I’m pretty sure I got pickpocketed while doing this a few times, although it’s hard to constitute "pick-pocketing" when the wallet was rarely ever actually in said pocket. You know what I mean.

My boy sent me this Vine last night. It dawned on me that this girl, flapping her hair back (like she’s auditioning for a "Baywatch" cut scene), is doing her own impression of my “wallet out” move.

Except, instead of trying to provoke a response from mediocre women on NYC streets, she’s going for gold – vying for the attention of none other than Mr. Rory McIlroy.

Ambitious, mademoiselle, ambitious. I commend your effort. The only thing more entertaining than watching this chick, metaphorically, fall on her face – is the look on the face of the dude behind her!

That’s literally the exact same face I had the first time I saw the basketball scene in "American History X." It’s the look of sheer “what the motherf*ck?”.

Not only did Rory neg her, and fail to acknowledge any clue of her existence in reality, but the bro standing adjacent (in the snapback) is left shaking his head in more disapproval than a sorority girl who just got served egg yellows.

Having said all of this, I think I’d date her. Better yet, I want her. Her whole fingers-through-hair-schtick makes me look exponentially less desperate (even though I still have faith in the wallet routine).

If you know this girl, have her shoot me a tweet at @scottipippen. If all else fails with Rory, at least she successfully plugged herself for a spot as Gatorade’s newest spokeswoman.

I mean, if that’s not the “it girl” of “unquenchable thirst,” I don’t know who is.