It's the Monday morning after Super Bowl Sunday, and I would best describe my state as somewhere between Bud Light floating in my brain and wing sauce literally dripping out of my ass.
Stop me if this sounds eerily reminiscent of your day-after Super Bowl situation.
Seriously, it's almost inconceivable how I could go from being so pumped up for the game to not even remembering who won. But alas, that's how it was last year and almost certainly how it's going to be this time around.
I just can't control myself when it comes to the beer, the food and the occasional shot of tequila... and I have a hunch I'm far from the only individual who feels this way.
The Super Bowl is pretty much the best Sunday Funday on the calendar, which means it's followed by the worst Monday morning hangover you're likely to experience all year.
What goes up must come down, right?
Aside from the sweats and the chills, one the of the universal staples of the morning after the Super Bowl is the titanic poop you're guaranteed to take. Don't even pretend like this isn't you. If you don't take a massive one on the Monday after the big game, you did something very, very wrong.
In addition to every dude running to the bathroom like a bull through the streets of Pamplona, there are also several common thoughts every guy has once he sits down on the throne.
Without further ado-do, here are 14 thoughts every dude has when he takes his post-Super Bowl sh*t.
1. "Why did I eat that 47th buffalo wing?"
Overeating is a calling card of Super Bowl Sunday, and there's no better food to consume with reckless abandon than chicken wings. But while you may have been thinking the hotter the better at the time, that decision to eat 40-plus buffalo wings is sure to be the first thing you think about as your assh*le starts burning before you even get your pants down.
But while you may have been thinking the hotter the better at the time, that decision to eat 40-plus buffalo wings is sure to be the first thing you think about as your assh*le starts burning before you even get your pants down.
2. "I thought I was 'Up For Whatever,' but maybe I shouldn't have consumed 15 Bud Lights before the end of the third quarter."
I know. Once you take down five Bud Lights and break the seal, it goes down smoother than alcohol ever should. That being said, right after you think about all the wings you shouldn't have eaten, you're almost certain to remember the beers.
3. "Why did I think it was a good idea to move to straight Jack after the party ran out of Bud Light?"
That's a great question, but you're probably having trouble tackling that one while trying to stop a mud slide and make it to work on time. Maybe you should've heeded those dirty looks you were getting from your fellow partygoers.
4. "At least I kept it to just wings and chips. Oh, crap -- pun intended -- I also took out an entire cheese pizza in the fourth quarter."
The tears might be flowing at this point, and maybe that's OK. Once you get over the initial shock of what just happened, you start to recount everything you consumed before, during and after the Super Bowl.
5. "What time is it?"
At some point while you're in the bathroom, you're going to wonder if you overslept and are going to be late for the least-productive day of work ever. I'd say it's probably 50/50 as far as getting into the office by 9 or strolling in with the lunch delivery guys.
6. "Wait a minute, the [insert one of the two Super Bowl participants here] won last night, right?"
Look, there's nothing to be embarrassed about when you can't initially remember who won the Super Bowl, let alone the final score. Hey, it's a long night, and you started early. Good thing you brought your phone into the bathroom so you can shamelessly google the results to an event that ended less than 12 hours ago.
Good thing you brought your phone into the bathroom so you can shamelessly Google the results to an event that ended less than 12 hours ago.
7. "Was it a good game?"
Once you've identified the winner of the big game, you're probably going to try to piece together your fragmented memories to figure out if it was everything you expected and more. The coin toss and opening drive are clear, kinda, but there's not a whole lot happening after that.
8. "Seriously, what the f*ck did I eat last night?"
At some point after the initial wave, you're going to examine what just came out of you, and you're probably going to be mortified at what you see. How could that possibly have existed in my body for any amount of time? What could I have eaten that would produce this? Hint: You didn't need to dip your beef nachos in the macaroni and cheese.
How could that possibly have existed in my body for any amount of time? What could I have eaten that would produce this? Hint: You didn't need to dip your beef nachos in the macaroni and cheese.
9. "I'm still f*cking pissed I lost my fantasy league."
Your fantasy league ended over a month ago, but for some reason, your loose association of football and a trophy will lead you to conjure up memories about blowing $50 to finish dead last in your pool.
10. "Am I out of toilet paper?"
This one happens more than a few times a year. I'm going to go out on a limb and say there's an increased number of occurrences on the Monday morning after the Super Bowl. And based on the damage you just did, duck-walking over to the hall closet might not be an option.
11. "Football can't really be over, can it?"
Sorry, dude, but that is indeed the case. While you're mired in a hangover and a stinky bathroom, you're going to come to the conclusion there won't be any NFL action for about seven months.
12. "I definitely didn't eat enough to still be sitting here."
Think again, sir. Wings may be your biggest nemesis this morning, but don't forget about the pizza, chips, spinach artichoke dip, guacamole, queso dip, potato skins, nachos, mozzarella sticks, meat, cheese and crackers tray, pretzels, cocktail wieners, chili, taquitos, ribs and pulled pork sliders. Wait, what was for dessert?
13. "Work is really going to suck today."
14. "When are we getting f*cked up again?"
Because, let's be honest, as soon as this poop ends and you trudge through a miserable day at your desk, you're going to be ready to do it all over again come Friday... or Wednesday.
The hangover and epic sh*t are going to happen, might as well enjoy the road getting there. Here's to a magical Super Bowl Sunday and a manageable Monday.