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Crazy Flag Football Bro Sends A Literally Insane Email To His Teammates

Thanks to a tipster, we recently got our hands on an email from the captain of the Bar None flag football team. In the email, he addresses his entire team for the 2015-16 season.

And let me tell you, it's one of the bro-iest things I've ever laid my eyes one. Where to even begin?

For starters, Captain Mario tells everyone to go f*ck themselves.

Specifically, he says,

Welcome to the 2015-2016 Bar None Football season.  For the vets, go f*ck yourselves!!!  For the rookies, go F*ck yourselves!  That's how it is on this team.

At least he's not playing favorites, right?

This is going to be as democratic a dictatorship as the Yorkville Sports Association has ever seen.

But I digress.

Captain Mario continues by making it clear the team will cease to put friendships and feelings first this season. Was this a problem in seasons past?

He preaches,

We have gone too many years in a row being the most talented team on the field, but always screwing up at the end because peoples pride has gotten in the way.

Because, you know, there's no way they didn't win it all as a result of the other team being, like, better or something.

Nah, that's crazy, guys. It's clearly because the Bar None team has been putting feelings above trophies.

Think Tom Brady and Bill Belichick give a crap about feelings?

Now, on to team practices. What, you don't have practices with your flag football team? Whatever, amateur.

For your first practice or game missed, you sit out a half of the next game. For the second offense, you miss a full game.

And for the third offense, well, I'll let the captain explain it to you:

'Bye Felicia'…. Kick Rocks…. You are off the team

We clear, Felicia?

There are one or two acceptable excuses for lateness or absence, but there's a caveat:

The only excuses I will except is if you are in the hospital or a family/friend died, and even then, I will MAKE YOU provide me with proof if you want to stay on the team.

Never mind the competition for on-field positions or why it's so important to win a championship for the elusive "Pam" -- I think she owns Bar None -- you get the picture.

This dude takes flag football way too seriously, and everyone in the league probably despises him for it.

Good luck this season, Bar None.

You can check out the full email in all its glory below: