Madden 15 is here, and if you haven't played it yet, you should know it's glorious.
This year's edition boasts some of the most realistic gameplay ever with many of the bugs and problems plaguing the franchise in the past officially in the past!
However, what will never leave the sacred game of virtual football are the players who inhabit the sticks. The cheesers, the scrubs, the hot chicks, the noobs — they're all back!
As annoying as they can be, our competitors really are the reason why we play the game. Going up against the computer on All-Madden just isn't cutting it anymore.
You need someone to trash talk to, and people who bring it upon themselves always deserve the harshest criticism.
Get yourself ready for another epic Madden season and familiarize yourself with the foes below.
The Guy Who Can't Stop Talking About How Good He Is At Madden Before He Even Plays
He is usually the worst type of player. He's all talk and no follow through, and the game is usually decided by end of the first half. Real Madden OGs let their play do the talking. The loudest one in the room is always the weakest.
The Guy Who Can't Stop Talking About How Much He Hates Madden Because NFL 2K5 Is Still The Best Football Game Ever Made
Get over it, dude. 2K isn't making another football game in the foreseeable feature, and no, NFL 2K5 isn't the greatest simulation of all time. Play Madden 15 and get over yourself, already.
The Guy Who'd Rather Play With The Settings Than The Game
Playing with updated rosters is, of course, essential, but making sure that Colin Kaepernick has the correct pad height and towel just isn't necessary. Neither is going through the entire NFL to create custom rosters.
The Guy Who Thinks Madden Is A Fashion Show
Football isn't supposed to be pretty, so stop wasting five minutes to try and color coordinate your team. The pre-set uniforms are as classic as they come, so no need to get all fussy when your shoes don't match your helmet. You've probably been watching too much "Zoolander."
The Guy Who Picks The Worst Uniforms On Purpose
Nothing's worst than the Steelers' bumblebee throwbacks, the Packers' 60s retro kit or the 1933 Eagles' uniforms. These all happen to be this player's favorite jerseys to wear. Nothing's worst than having to spend 48 virtual minutes looking at those.
The Guy Who Always Onside Kicks
While the success rate isn't always high, this dude totally disrespects the laws of the football universe by trying to use this cheap tactic from the first kickoff. Make him pay by controlling the possession and scoring on him every time. Then onside kick it when you're up big, just because.
The Assh*le Who Only Does No Huddle Offense
This dude can be spotted feverishly tapping the Y (or triangle) button non stop after every play. Sack with a loss of 10 yards? He's still tapping! Let's pick plays like men, everybody. This is chess, not checkers.
The Guy Who Picks The 3 Same Damn Plays And Still Beats You
Screen pass out of the shotgun, four verticals and toss right. Pretty basic plays, but this dude has mastered the art of f*ckery and exploits the game's artificial intelligence. F*ck this guy.
The Guy Who Hasn't Played Since Madden '09.
Was 2009 the official cut off year for half of the world's population to stop playing Madden or something? Cool, you play Madden? Oh, you haven't played since Michael Vick was on the cover?
Oh word. That was Madden '04, though! And yes, the turbo button is still the same. Sheesh!
The Foreign Dude
Listen dude, we appreciate your interest in America's most popular sport, but stick to FIFA, homie. If you didn't grow up with football in your life, you'll likely never grasp the full concept.
But it's not your fault! Just stop trying for the rest of our sakes.
The Guy Who Can't Stop Throwing Interceptions
The Jerk Who Likes To Watch Every Replay Because It's Just So Realistic
Yes, this is virtual football, and the game's creators designed it to mimic its real-life counterpart. Stop getting shocked with every one-handed grab, stiff arm and juke you see!
Only truly ridiculous touchdowns (like a 100-yard pick 6) are reviewable for enjoyment purposes.
The Guy Who Swears He Used To Coach A Super Bowl Team And Thinks He Knows Everything
Look man, I didn't come here to learn about your theory on how Tampa 2 defense doesn't work, or why the three technique is so beautiful.
This is Madden, and nothing else matters but the points on the board! Stop trying to show me how much you know by making all these comparisons.
The Hot Chick Who Somehow Beats You, But You Don't Even Mind
It's all about the effort here. You're never going to go too hard when you're playing against a baddy.
When you actually do end up losing the game by letting her up the whole time, don't feel any shame. Seeing her excitement and watching her think she understands the game is the reason we play in the first place.
The Guy Who Plays With The Seahawks
Come on, son. Sure, they've been your team for the past three years now, but are you really going to play with the defending Super Bowl champions?!
It's tempting with their defense, Beast Mode and Old Petey on the sidelines, but come on, prove you're real by playing with the Jags.