20th Century Fox

Playboy Released Its First Cover With No Nudity And People Aren't Having It

The fact that I am this angry while staring at the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my entire life is confusing as hell, but that's what is happening to me right now. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO EVERYONE, HUGH! CONFUSED BONERS, YOU MONSTER!

NOOOOOOOOOOO! COMMEEEEE ONNNNNNNNNNN! Playboy started to roll out its new boobie-less brand in an effort to appeal to Millennials, and it's, like, UGHHHHHHHHHHH, WHYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?

Millennials love boobies more than people who own mammogram-machine companies, and trust me, the owners of mammogram-machine companies love them some boobies! Boobies put food on their tables and their kids in college!!!

I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR HORSE CRAP, PLAYBOY!

Is this effing Better Homes and Gardens?!?! Show me some nae-naes, dammit! I've been to more exciting birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese's.

ALSO, IT'S MAKING ME SOOOO EFFING FURIOUS HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS WOMAN IS! SHE'S PERFECT, AND I'M PISSED AS FAHKIN' HELL!

LOOK HOW MANY TWITTER PEOPLE YOU'RE ANGERING! THEY TRUSTED YOU, DAMMIT!

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

OK, yes. Playboy announced it would make this SFW crossover a few months back, but it still is oddly jarring to actually see. This experience is EXACTLY what people go through when they see their first dead bodies. EXACTLY LIKE IT.

This is how boring the new Playboy is: Ernest Hemingway's great-granddaughter is the centerfold.

YEAH! THAT Ernest Hemingway. The dude who wrote "The Old Man and the Sea" has a great-granddaughter who is this month's featured model.

That's the most boring assemblage of words I ever wrote. HEMINGWAY?!!? What? Were F. Scott Fitzgerald's and William Faulkner's grandchildren busy?!?!

Citations: Playboy Puts On Some Clothes for Newly Redesigned Issue (The New York Times)