The subway is the single greatest confirmation humanity is a dumpster fire burning through every last shred of decency, dignity and self-respect.
Anyone able to avoid the subway grind can enjoy the experience vicariously on CitySubwayCreatures, an Instagram devoted to the savagery of your average subway ride.
Each post is a rare snowflake of depravity, chronicling the grimmest transit scenarios.
1. When you're trying to enjoy vacation, and Pikachu eats your whole family.
2. When you're in a great mood, and a subway pole tries to kill your vibe.
3. When the other passengers pretend to get your lewk, but they'll never get your lewk.
4. When your man promises he packed snacks, but you don't find any.
5. When you don't want to get germs on your hands, so you let your butt grab the pole.
6. When the raw sexuality of Mardi Gras pushes you over the edge.
7. When you're desperate for a seat, but a pile of Nicki Minajes are high-key manspreading.
8. When you leave a train car that reeks of puke, only to walk into one full of live f*cking snakes.
9. When she tells you she's dying of thirst, and the only water you have is trapped in your tongue.
10. When you're deliriously hauling a juice cleanse to work for the fifth day in a row, and your fellow human beings start to look delicious.
11. When Katy Perry gives a free underground concert, but forgets the words to her hits.
12. When you're two stops from home, and your bestie finally starts embracing single life like the rotted barrel of bad decisions and Curious perfume you know she is.
13. When you can't enjoy the C train without a decent buzz, but your cousin makes you feel guilty you're “only 9 years old.”
14. When you're the hottest slice on the damn ride until Mariah Carey shows up in an evening gown.
15. When it's too warm underground to cover your goatse dress with a sweater.
16. When your pants are hungry, but food and drink aren't allowed on the train.
17. When Pizza Rat gets topped by Rat Rat, the cannibal rodent.
18. When service delays make you so late for lunch, you eat straight-up bacteria.
19. When the next stop is Murder Village.
20. When Justin Bieber plays a free show in Central Park, but the M shows up late.
Leaving home without a car is, as always, criminally overrated.
Quit your job, order groceries online and never ride the subway again.