As a heterosexual human woman with a vagina men often refer to as "there," I have my pick of muscly, virile sex partners.
Still, men are not lured to the bedroom by female genitalia alone. It can be easy to forget men have sex with women on a highly conditional basis.
One Redditor recently asked fellow users,
Men of Reddit, what are some things you like to see in a single woman's home?
Below is the definitive guide to getting straight ladies the D they so desperately need.
1. Make sure to leave your teeniest sex toys in plain view, like on a shelf or hanging from a ceiling fan and spinning on a low setting.
It's important for your potential sex partner to see your expectations are so low, there's nothing he can possibly do to disappoint you.
2. Granted, there's no need for a bathroom garbage can, since we ladies simply eat all our paper/plastic refuse, but men like to have spots to privately dispose of their empty chapsticks, unfinished rant poems to George R. R. Martin, etc.
3. A spatula costs, like, eight bucks at Target.
Stock up on 10 or so to prove to male suitors you're good for more than just furious intercoursing.
4. You can find books anywhere: a bookstore, a library, the garbage. If you're not looking to invest cash in books you may never read, check with your parents.
Ask if they have any titles you can borrow in an effort to help you get some P in that V. They'll be more than happy to help.
5. Men do NOT like competition.
Rather than come across as a sexually active adult woman who has met a man before, act as though you've never seen a person with a sex other than your own. Marvel at his flat chest, giggle as you tentatively stroke his Adam's apple and, when he unveils his penis, scream, "THERE'S A SAND WORM EATING YOUR VAGINA!!!" and hit it with a frying pan.
6. We all own buckets on buckets of peach yogurt, so this is a freebie.
7. Don't be intimidated at the mention of a "sex dungeon."
Building an in-house sex dungeon doesn't have to be pricey or labor-intensive. Pick up a couple scarves and half-burnt candles from Goodwill. You can blindfold him and tease him with hot wax before slapping him around with your $8 Target spatulas from the comfort of your living room.
8. A toolbox is a must-have for any modern woman, but why stop there?
Break a bunch of your own sh*t before he arrives so when he walks in he can catch you in action, caulking your bathroom wall.
9. Burn any posters, decorative boxes or handmade gifts from friends urging you to live a carefree existence. This stuff is boner cyanide.
10. The primitive instinct that makes men want to do sex on women also urges them to find women who can keep them nourished during harsh winters.
Show him you're that woman by bringing home a deer and gutting it on your kitchen floor. Smear some of your kill's blood on your face, and your boyfriend-to-be will think he caught you in the middle of a casual snack.
11. Nothing says, "You are my personal Jesus Christ, son of God. I live and die by your hand," like a DIY display of candid photos of your crush going about his daily activities. Hang it over your bed, and he'll never doubt your devotion!
12. Hide your plastic sheeting, your syringes and your glass furniture.
Guys like a home that feels as cozy and comfortable as a mother's womb, so save up bits of your uterine lining expelled during your monthly cycle and use them to create a haven familiar to the inside of his actual mom.
13. Cuddle up with him and recount the story of Xenu before auditing one another to uncover traumatic past events buried deep in the subconscious.
Uh, talk about bonding!
14. I know, I know, since when was a job at the UN and a fluent grasp of three languages not enough to score some fresh dick? It's 2016, ladies.
If you can't accompany him singing "Wonderwall" on the dusty acoustic guitar you had since high school but haven't had time to enjoy, consider your vag retired.
15. Only a sociopath, male or female, doesn't own scented candles.
16. Maybe you're a gin lover or you like to stay healthy and avoid alcohol, which is essentially a slow-acting poison for human beings. Either way, stock up on beer for potential dates.
Not sure whether or not you'll have sex guests that week? Buy it anyway, then dump it upon expiration, duh. Are you actively trying to die alone?
17. Ladies who love sci-fi might think they're in the clear, but there's a lot more to being a hot nerd than just an earnest interest in sci-fi.
Frame a couple of photos of yourself alone at the prom or have your old back brace mounted somewhere obvious. Let him know even though you're sexy now, your self-esteem remains irreparably damaged.
18. Idk. Catch a squirrel and bring it home?
It's a cheap, easy, drawback-free way to show you're compassionate and responsible for another life.
19. Guys want to get high AF before they hop on ferries to Bone Island, so make it easy for them with some (preferably) hand-painted paraphernalia.
20. Lingerie over lamps is a sensual, flammable way to prove you have seen enough '80s soft-core porn to do semi-elaborate sex stuff.
Tease your bangs, and rub some cocaine into an open wound on your forehead to really commit to the lifestyle.
21. The hottest men are unemployed, obviously, and there's no shame in luring one to your lady lair with a couple rolls of quarters.
Fill a knee sock with laundry change, and wave it out your window like a flag. Then, watch the tasty man treats come to you.
22. Just because we women wipe with our bare hands doesn't mean men do the same.
Guys like to feel pampered, and a handful of feces is not going to encourage return visits. Frugal gals can steal some toilet paper from nearby Dunkin' Donuts to cut costs.
23. The most vital lesson a woman can learn is she'll never be enough.
When searching for someone to share your home with, opt for a sexually adventurous friend who is always DTF. When your date comes back to the apartment, throw on your French maid costumes and demand he rate each of you on a scale from one to 10 before the BJs begin.
24. You're probably thinking, "Is the deer carcass in my kitchen enough?" and, sadly, the answer is hell no.
You're going to want to get some beigey flesh and display it in decorative bowls. When he asks, "Is this human?" you can give him a sexy shrug and lean in for an open-mouthed kiss.
25. Whether the frames on your wall hold photos of your own children or simply the child models who came with the frames, get rid of them.
Women who are truly committed to finding love will also consider distancing themselves from any offspring. Guys might want a mom in the streets, but they certainly won't settle for anything less than a childless sex maniac in the sheets.
26. They're not just for women, OK?!
27. Make sure he's inside your apartment.
It's difficult to tell, sometimes, whether he is there, waiting in the hall or even at his own apartment, hanging out alone. Double check he made it inside by turning on the lights and shouting his name until you are in tears.
If the tips above, from alleged human men, don't help you get some sweaty intercourse with low to moderate eye contact, nothing will work, and you should resign to a life of solitude and whisper-crying.
Now, go get 'em!
