There are times during adolescence when young women are warned of how terrifying sex will one day be.
It's often insinuated men have it easier, especially during the first experience with a new partner.
Believe it or not, though, cisgendered heterosexual men carry within the pits of their stomachs a wealth of dread over what possible hellscape awaits them when it comes time to face the lady parts.
Redditor msstark asked fellow users,
What's something guys 'dread' before sex with a girl for the first time?
Men, it seems, share many of the same fears as the very women whose nether regions they're trying desperately to avoid/also f*ck.
Trust me, we women all share the fear of being underwhelming, unoriginal and unsatisfying. Sometimes it's just a matter of faking confidence until the sex steals focus from your insecurities.
If I had a nickel for every time one of my friends came to me with fears her date would have a super deep penis hole, I'd be the Scrooge McDuck of sexual gambling. We ladies call it the Chicago Deep Dick Pizza, and any woman unlucky enough to get a slice tends to swear off meeting new urethras for a good, long while.
Erectile dysfunction may not be a phenomenon we women physically experience, but it's one we've surely witnessed secondhand. When your boners are sad, our boners are sad, and, much like at a funeral, it's not always clear what we should do or say to help.
Finally, someone says it! Men are not the only ones afraid their sexual partners will suddenly morph into star-shaped echinoderms mid-coitus. What if the guy I'm dating is actually a starfish who made a deal with a sea witch to turn him into a human, but he has to consummate with a woman before midnight on Halloween to keep his human form? It's unlikely someone would bring that up in the first few weeks of a relationship, so it remains a major concern. Also, what if he is a normal human being who just lies there unenthused, albeit consensually, while I do sex on him? This problem has levels.
6. "Kinda" fat
Actually, most women I know do not share this concern. My lady friends lust after gym fiends and doughy dudes alike. Often, women spend too much time and effort silencing society's reminders to hate their own bodies to worry about yours.
7. Penis size
Women know how much stock some men put in the size of their penises, and we do feel pressure to let you know how we feel about them. The truth is most of us are just looking for a penis with a great sense of humor that doesn't take itself too seriously and takes pride in its appearance (little penis hats are a plus).
We worry about men's husbands, too. In a way, that's what makes the sex fun.
9. Vagina dentata
Speaking from a woman's perspective, each new partner reawakens a fear of my own vagina dentata. What if teeth have been in there all along, but have not seized an opportunity to destroy some fresh dick yet? What if my vagina teeth are dull lumps like tiny versions of cow teeth? Isn't that worse, somehow? It's a lose/lose reality.
10. Undercover cop
When paying for sex, it's so so SO important to find a sex worker who is actually a sex worker and not an undercover cop. On the off chance you're dating a cop who gets off pretending to be a sex worker and is literally under the covers of your bed, that is acceptable. Otherwise, you risk judgment from people who don't understand your sexual appetite and possible jail time.
There's no anxiety-free way to approach sex with a new partner, but that's part of the excitement. When it's all over, if she ends up being a healthy, satisfied, sympathetic, shallow-vag'd, "kinda" thin, unmarried, partially toothless, non-cop human, the opportunity for future stressless romps is on the table.
You just need to take that initial leap headfirst into a vagina.