The "ideal" size of a man's penis has been, and probably will continue to be, a subject of contentious debate.
How do you define size? Is it the width? The length? The "girth," so to speak?
There are many ways to break down the matters of peepee size, but most people can agree, the words "tiny" and "baby" should most definitely be left out of any descriptions.
We don't know the exact words used to describe Michael's peen, but they certainly don't sound flattering.
He reached out to a woman who he believed to be someone named Crystal because she's apparently been going around town spreading rumors about his small penis.
And dammit, Michael wanted some answers.
"Crystal" played dumb in "her" response:
Who's this? You could literally be like 10 people.
Michael stated his identity and asked if this person really was Crystal. (Spoiler alert: It was definitely not Crystal.)
The mystery troll pretends to remember this poor dude,
Ah Michael, yes. How big would you like me to tell people you are?
You know, I kind of assumed Michael would be like, "TELL EVERYONE IT'S THE BIGGEST SCHLONG YOU'VE EVER SEEN."
Instead, his answer just makes me feel that much worse for him:
Just dont say anything! Telling everyone I have a baby cock is embarrassing
But then the troll makes what is sort of a good point, but not really at all?
He texted back,
Some babies have very big cocks. Baby elephants, for example. It could be a compliment.
Right, because that's definitely how people talk about penises.
Except it's not, since Michael points out that's certainly not how Crystal and his ex are telling the story.
At this point, the jig is up, and whoever this troll is knows it.
He concludes their strange conversation,
I'm sorry man, I'm just fucking with you. Lauren gave you the wrong number. Good luck with the baby dick though, that's rough.
Uh, yeah, I would imagine it is kind of rough, and you're not making it any better by screwing with him.
Sure, this guy probably messed with Michael for the lulz, and lulz were had, but the poor guy probably will forever have a complex about his supposed baby peen.
Michael, if you're reading this, just know size isn't the only thing that matters! I promise!