This might seem off-topic, but just let me praise BJs for a hot sec.
They are amazing! As a woman or man going down on a dude, your neck never hurts. You never wonder what's taking so long. You never encounter any odd smells or bizarre surprises during ejaculation, even though the human body is a mystery even to its owner.
Sadly, William Lloyd doesn't feel the same way about cunnilingus.
In an article on The Tab, he explains how his first experience going down on a woman left him “rinsed in a shame and embarrassment so total” he vowed to “never go down on a girl a second time.”
Lloyd believes the woman in his company this fateful first time unleashed a “hot, sticky, wet jet of piss” all over his face upon climaxing.
Not to ruin the sensual mystery of women for hetero male readers, but our piss is actually the same consistency as yours -- i.e. not sticky.
Near the area where we pee is another hole from which we ejaculate.
Some women ejaculate more than others, and those who do are often either fetishized as squirters or given utter shame-complexes by men like Lloyd.
In Lloyd's piece, he insists, despite the incredulous reactions from other men when he reveals his aversion to going down, most guys would agree face-in-vagina action is utter, yucky no-no.
Between guys, well, find me an average bloke who enjoys going down on women as much as he claims to in front of them and I'll find you that missing Malaysian airliner.
Oh, brother, I'm about to ruin the sensual mystery of women again. The truth is as much as dudes love their own boners, we women are not always as psyched about them.
What drives oral sex from our perspectives is not a singular love of the taste of human flesh that's been sitting in a pair of loose undies for 12 hours but, more typically, the joy our actions bring to other human beings.
On an average day, I would rather do endless laundry than eat a stray penis, but if you attach that penis to, say, someone I care about or am attracted to, I may be able to free up some time.
Sure, there are women who like the sheer act of going down on men, just as there are men who feel the same about vaginas, but the majority of human beings understand the ups and downs of burying their faces in other people's genitals.
Anyone who insinuates, as Lloyd does, having his or her face ejaculated on in a non-violent, unintentional manner means he or she has experienced a special trauma is in for a lifetime of disappointment.
One commentator on Lloyd's post wished him “a long and blow-job free sex life.”
Forgoing the reception of head is a great start if Lloyd is looking to make amends for an article that begins by saying,
I'm not going to turn your cherry out, sorry.
Unfortunately, it is fundamentally unfair to expect all the perks of heterosexual sex while clinging to the mentality that, up close, vaginas are nightmare fodder on par with the Great Pit of Carkoon and the Sarlacc that lies within.
Readers were less than thrilled with Lloyd's childish perspective.
"I don't go down on girls because the first time I did I made her squirt " https://t.co/drKsXqJ85y — mr skeltalex (@Judoon_Platoon) October 26, 2015
Ejaculation happens. Bodies are weird.
It would be great if we could all try to make each other feel comfortable in these moments, rather than use them as reasons to vilify common sexual acts and vaginas altogether. But, Lloyd will be Lloyd.