WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! GOD HAS DECIDED SWIFT AND JUST EXECUTION TO ANYONE LIVING!
THIS IS THE LORD'S WILL, AND THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO CARRY ON WILL BE SMITED WITH THE LONG AND POWERFUL REACH OF THE ALMIGHTY!
YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE RIPPED LIMB-FROM-LIMB AS YOU WATCH EVERYTHING YOU'VE EVER LOVED BE VIOLENTLY ERASED FROM THIS PLANET!
This is according to Shepard Smith who has been covering Hurricane Matthew for Fox News much in the same way Jack Bauer tries to get information on hidden bombs from Saudi terrorists.
Behold what happens when you let Shep near a weather report:
Is there really nobody else on the entire staff that can cover this hurricane? He's like the personified version of the chaos that ensues when Walmart opens their door on Black Friday.
Yeah, you watched and heard that YouTube clip correctly. Shepard literally planned to ask this random lady if she expected Fox News to cover her funeral.
Oh wait! Shepard is giving another hurricane update!
I get it, Fox. This is a very dangerous Hurricane. It's a historically dangerous hurricane.
It hasn't even made landfall yet and it's already claimed lives. There is a very strong possibility that this thing could even break records once it touches down.
It even got Disney to close its doors, and Disney never does that!
Rick Scott, and this will be the only time I will ever compliment Rick Scott, I think did an amazing job at getting this information across, by the way.
Fox, this is how you warn people about death!
Oh, wait. Oh no. The Weather Channel clearly just watched Shepard and was like, "Eff, we gotta do that."
Stay safe out there... from both the hurricane and Shepard Smith.