If you've ever said the words, “Just look at these underwear puppies for a second. I mean, are these not the most immaculate pair o' testes this beautiful world has to offer?” then you can finally put your money where your awful mouth is.
(Seriously, though. Why would you say such an awful thing? Ew.)
Brian Sloan, the Steve Jobs of making you “finish” inside of a robot and inventor of Autoblow, the Apple of blowjob machines, announced he would be hosting the world's first testicle beauty contest.
Faces? Get out of here! Sloan wants to see your dangling bits and dangling bits alone!
All you have to do to enter is take a picture of your purse and submit it to www.ballscontest.com, a domain name I'm SHOCKED he was able to obtain.
According to the contest video, the focus of your picture should be your balls. Yes, you can technically have some peen in the shot, but that won't make a difference to the score.
Also, make sure you are holding a sign with the words "#AutoblowBallsContest" when you take the photo.
On December 25 -- CHRISTMAS!!! -- the top three acorn satchels will be declared the winners.
The first place contestant will get $5,000, $3,000 goes to the runner-up and $2,000 to the Jujubes that are just happy to be nominated.
After you become a finalist, Sloan will arrange to either send someone to your house to take a 3D scan of your berries or fly you out to a mutually agreed-upon location.
Keep in mind you can have hair on your nads, but you'll need to get them shaved before you get scanned if you are a finalist. Sorry, Danny DeVito and what I can only assume is your Wookiee of a genital area.
Sloan said he plans on making paper weights, door stops, bookends and other novelty items with the printouts of the 'ticles.
This isn't the first time Sloan was behind something like this. Earlier this year, he made headlines when he hosted the world's first vaginal beauty contest, which is the same exact thing as this ball pageant but with lady pieces instead.
I bet his parents are proud.