I know the feeling all too well. A certain someone — be they an old fling, an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, or a one-time hook-up — pops into your mind, and your fingers start to twitch. It starts out innocently enough: You just scroll through their Instagram feed, maybe browse their latest Facebook posts... But then your thumbs start to twitch. Before you've even realized what's happening, you're fishing their number out of your deleted contacts and crafting a text, "just to see how they're doing." But, why do you want to text your ex at all? What gives us that urge in the first place?
According to relationship therapist Anita Chlipala, LMFT, there's a whole host of reasons that might explain that thumb twitch.
"You wonder what they're doing, maybe [you're] wondering if they're out on a date, an ego boost to see if they respond, you're bored, you miss them, [or] maybe you think there's hope and they'll change their mind and want you back," she explained, ticking down the laundry list of possible explanations. That burning desire to text an ex or old flame doesn't necessarily mean you still want them (though it might!), but it likely means that you're, well, curious about their life or their family or their potential lingering interest in you.
But let's not forget that curiosity killed the cat, and it can just as easily squash your chances of moving on from that Ghost of Partners Past. Before you can treat the problem, you need to understand it. Here are three reasons why you might be making your ex's hotline bling, plus a few tips to help you kick the habit.
"There's also comfort in the familiar," notes Chlipala. "You might [be letting] your thoughts run rampant, thinking you're never going to find someone again, and that you'll be single forever, and so your fear gets the best of you and having a connection with your ex provides you with some comfort."
If this sounds like your situation, remember: Exes are like dirty, old, security blankets. They were lovely for a time, and they served a purpose, but it's probably time to ditch them (ideally for a new, cleaner blanket that's even better in bed!).
At the end of the day, there's a reason you two broke up, and there are so many fish in the dating sea. So, if there are not pets or kids involved, "remind yourself that they are an ex for a reason," advises Chlipala.
This post was originally published on May 14, 2018. It was updated on Sept. 12, 2019 by Elite Daily Staff.