My Brother Used My Tinder For The Weekend & I Actually Learned So Much From Him

By
Ad failed to load

The beauty of the internet is that you can be anyone you want to be, which is basically the premise of MTV’s Catfish. Rather than trick people into having decades-long relationships with me via FaceTime Audio though, I decided to abuse the anonymity of the internet in a slightly less explicit way. I let my brother take over my Tinder account over Thanksgiving break — and it was savage AF.

My brother, Sean, is a 22-year-old computer science major. He’s the kind of brilliant that doesn’t need to study and his hair has always done this sort of effortless Johnny Bravo thing that is as annoyingly perfect as it sounds. The point is, he’s easy to hate but it’s OK because he knows it. Not unlike How I Met Your Mother’s Barney Stinson, he is charmingly self-absorbed and wildly entertaining.

In fact, he is currently conducting an experiment with the residents in our building where he dances on the balcony every night at exactly 8 p.m. in the hopes that someone will come to expect him. You know, like Barney’s neighbor did when Barney left his and Quinn’s apartment every night at the same time for months so he wouldn’t have to fart in front of his new live-in girlfriend. Barney’s neighbor became so obsessed with figuring out the "little blond man" across the street that his wife eventually left him. This is the exact reaction my brother is hoping to achieve. So, yeah, totally normal.

Ad failed to load
Giphy

Like Barney, Sean also has very specific rules about how he interacts with people, so I knew I was in for a treat when I asked him to take over my Tinder. For the most part, all of his decisions were surprisingly insightful and well founded — and not at all what I expected from the guy who dances to Post Malone on a nightly basis for an audience that may or may not exist.

We began with my Tinder settings. For my location radius, he said, "Five miles is fair because you have to consider driving distance and we share a car!" He made excellent points here, so I obliged.

Ad failed to load

For my age preferences (I am 26), he explained, "You don’t want people younger than you because I know you don’t like that. But you also don’t want somebody over 30 because then you have to think about kids and ex-wives. Plus, they probably won’t get your memes." Again, fair points. If I can’t communicate with my match in memes and nothing else for 24 hours straight, what am I even doing here?

Even with these restrictions in place, I made sure I was present whenever he was trolling through potential matches so I could ask him to rationalize his choices and boy, did he. I quickly learned that his list of Tinder rules was far longer than my own and that maybe I should be pickier? Sean and I swiped through a total of 30 potential matches who made it past first-round eliminations. So, did I find love? Well, not exactly. There were more rules.

1. Tim, 28, self-employed, 14 miles away

"He’s flexing in his default photo? Oh, that’s a no."

Ad failed to load

2. John, 28, self-employed, seven miles away

"OK, let’s make a new rule. Swipe left on everyone who is self-employed because that just means they’re unemployed or into some black market stuff they can’t put on here. Always a red flag."

3. Ryan, 27, self-employed, five miles away

Although Ryan was self-employed, Sean wanted to take this opportunity to show me why this rule would come in handy. Ryan went on to fail on three separate counts, according to Sean.

Ad failed to load

"What the hell is he holding?"

A large, dead fish that spanned the entire length of his body. In fact, there was only a single photo of Ryan’s that didn’t include a dead animal (no, they weren’t all fish) and, in it, Sean declared that he resembled Baymax from Big Hero 6.

"Is he wearing overalls?"

Ad failed to load

He was.

"No bio but his anthem is 'Rockstar' by Post Malone and 21 Savage. I actually approve of the song but it doesn’t seem to fit him because, you know, overalls. Also, no bio suggests he’s not looking for anything serious."

Then, he literally said:

Ad failed to load
Giphy

And with Ryan, a new rule was introduced: no bio, left swipe.

4. Joey, 27, 11 miles away

"He looks like a budget Leonardo DiCaprio. He loves dogs, you love dogs. He loves photography, you love photography. He’s adventurous, you’re insane. He drinks white wine, you drink red wine… so that’s a bit of an issue. Still, for you, I’d say yes. Just sad that it took him so long to win an Oscar." His first right swipe and, Academy Award shade aside, it was a match!

Ad failed to load

5. Nico, 27, eight miles away

"He looks like the type of person who wears Thrasher hoodies [a lifestyle brand for skateboarders] and I don’t really think that’s your type. He also looks like he smells like weed and Doritos."

6. Carlos, 30, 14 miles away

The last two lines of Carlos’ bio read, "Honestly, I’m just a good-hearted guy. Looking to hang with who wants to hang in my company." And my brother had some thoughts. "If you have to write that you’re a good guy, you’re not. And 'looking to hang with who wants to hang'? That sounds kind of desperate."

Ad failed to load

7. Theo, 27, no distance

Giphy

"The fact that he has no distance means he’s using Tinder Plus to hide or alter it and, either way, that’s not what you're looking for." You guessed it — new rule!

Ad failed to load

8. Jay, 29

I didn’t have time to note any of Jay’s information because Sean immediately swiped left on what looked like a Brooks Brothers ad, claiming, "K, that’s obviously a fake account."

9. Matthew, 29, 11 miles away

"Face photos only, no other people in any them. What are you hiding, Matthew?!" Two new rules.

Ad failed to load

10. Jake, 28, four miles away

Jake was holding not one but two dead fish in his default photo, making him a definite left swipe, but Sean wasn’t done making an example of Jake. You see, Jake’s bio was written entirely in emojis, which Sean did not care for at all. New rule.

11. Tony, 29, two miles away

Giphy
Ad failed to load

Tony’s bio: "My mom won’t do my laundry anymore, so my clothes will probably be wrinkly when we meet. Bonus points for being honest?"

Sean: "What’s that J. Lo song you like? 'Ain’t Your Mama'? She wrote that about this guy. Even I know how to do my own laundry so absolutely not! I can’t even deal with this guy."

12. Eddie, 29, four miles away

Eddie’s bio: "Kinda athletic, kinda nerdy, slightly neurotic…"

Ad failed to load

Sean: "Is he good at anything? Does he not know who he is as a person?!"

13. Jonathan, 27, seven miles

Jonathan thought he was being clever and trendy when he wrote in his bio, "Chipotle should have a drive-thru."

Ad failed to load

Sean did not. "I mean, I just feel like a drive-thru at Chipotle wouldn’t work because like, do you go to a new window for each topping? I guess if it’s like at the carwash where you put your car in neutral and a conveyer belt pushes you along? But Chipotle already has online app ordering. I just feel like this is unnecessary. He seems impatient. And lazy."

14. Justin, 27, 13 miles away

"Pilot? Cool. He’s wearing a suit? Cool. It’s a nice suit, too. For the record, people who wear untailored suits should just stay home."

Ad failed to load

Right swipe.

15. Paul, 27, two miles away

"People named Paul are automatically boring," Sean claimed. Paul mentioned his love for podcasts in his bio, which Sean took as evidence of his theory.

Ad failed to load

16. Justin, 27, three miles away

"Yes, because his anthem is 'Whip My Hair' by Willow Smith."

17. Chris, 28, 14 miles away

Chris was doing a fratty fingerpoint in his default photo, which Sean had zero tolerance for.

Ad failed to load

18. Sebastian, 26, two miles away

Sebastian’s bio said, "I have more Boomers! tickets than you."

If you don’t know, Boomers! is an arcade and outdoor arena that, admittedly, is pretty fun even at 26. Sean agreed and swiped right on Sebastian.

Ad failed to load

The verdict? Of the 30 guys who made it past the first round of eliminations, 18 advanced to the finals, but Sean only had roses for three. Of these three, I matched with two: Joey (the "budget Leonardo DiCaprio") and Sebastian (the Boomers! guy). I was finally ready to take the next step and message them both when Sean informed me of his most important rule of all.

"Never, under any circumstance, message your Tinder matches first. Always adopt the mindset that you are the prize. If they really want to talk to you they will. That’s how I live my life and I have no regrets." Like I said, savage AF.

Ad failed to load

It’s been a couple days since I matched with my brother’s Tinder picks and, sadly, neither of them has contacted me. But I’m OK with it. Savage as he is, Sean actually had some pretty solid advice about online dating. The fact that he was way pickier than I am on Tinder showed that he was actually invested in the experiment and that I should definitely hold my matches (and myself) to a higher standard. "Know your worth, then add tax," as Sean would say.

Check out the entire Gen Why series and other videos on Facebook and the Bustle app across Apple TV, Roku, and Amazon Fire TV.

Ad failed to load

Check out the “Best of Elite Daily” stream in the Bustle App for more stories just like this!

Ad failed to load

Must Reads

Cherry Print Is One Of Summer's Biggest Fashion Trends & It's So Much Sweeter Than Florals

If there's one thing that I've had my eye on this summer it's a cool, flirty cherry-print dress. Along with versatile black tops and blue denim, the color red has become a staple in my wardrobe this year and anytime I can infuse it into my daily look…
By Ariana Marsh

Your Weekly Horoscope Is Here & Your World Is About To Be Filled With Sunshine

If you've had enough of the sleepy and heavy feeling associated with Taurus season, prepare yourself for a replenishing rush of fresh energy. As of May 20, the sun has officially moved into Gemini, and the weight on your shoulders will finally start …
By Roya Backlund

13 Must-Have Experiences You Should Buy In Your 20s, Instead Of A New Couch

Life is one big experience. When you hit your 20s, though, you start getting pulled in the direction of your responsibilities. It isn't totally a bad thing, but you don't want to get so wrapped into adulting that you forget life's zest. Amazing exper…
By Jasmine Vaughn-Hall

I Tried Kim Kardashian's Weird Beauty Obsession & I Can't Stop Taking Selfies

You've been there before: You're scrolling through your Instagram feed when you see your favorite celeb post about their favorite new product — a face serum, vitamins that will make your skin brighter, or a specialty food service. You can't help but …
By Stephanie Montes

Where You Should Vacation This Summer, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Summer is so much more than just sweating in 90 degree weather and enjoying a long, lazy break from school (if you're lucky enough to still be in school). It's a time for making exciting new plans, falling madly and hopelessly in love, opening your m…
By Roya Backlund

Wander or Bust: The Amalfi Coast May Just Be The Most Beautiful Thing You'll Ever See

Wander or Bust is an Elite Daily travel series that follows young women all over the globe to record their journeys as they experience the thrill of the far-flung and unknown. They'll track their budgets, where they stay, where they eat and drink, a…
By Kaylin Pound

6 Brutally Honest Phases Of Life After A Breakup, Because You Will Survive 

If you've ever been through a bad breakup, you know that the struggle is real. For the weeks (or possibly months, if it was a really bad one) that follow, life can be rough, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Don't believe me? Just l…
By Rachel Shatto

Here's How You Can Find Out What Your Aura Color Is

Do you remember that movie Almost Famous? More specifically, the scene where William is trying to have a phone call with his mom, but a clairvoyant Band-Aid keeps shouting "Your aura is purple!" in his face? Well, that was the first time I had ever h…
By Roya Backlund

9 Women In Their 20s Reflect On The Advice They Wish They Had At Graduation

Graduating college can feel seriously scary. You've spent your entire life in school, working and preparing for the moment you enter the real world, but what happens when you get there? What if things don't go totally according to plan? You may have …
By Brittney Morgan

3 Early Signs You Are Going To Have Undeniable Chemistry With Your Crush

I don't know if there's anything better than the excitement of having a new crush — especially when that feeling's reciprocated. The butterflies that rush through your stomach as soon as they enter a room. The electricity that zips through your veins…
By Genevieve Wheeler

Emoji Pool Floats Are Here To Match Every Mood You’re In This Summer

Searching for the perfect poolside accessory to lounge around in this summer? This year’s hottest warm weather water trend isn’t a big floppy hat or designer sunglasses — it’s an emoji pool float. That’s right: Your favorite little digital expression…
By Rachel Murphy

Here's How Your Mood & Your Favorite Music Are Secretly Connected, According To Science

If you're someone who's likely to be found with ear buds in her ears at all times, you might not realize just how often you listen to music, or the ways in which it's really affecting you. From your morning commute to the tunes you blast while you co…
By Caroline Burke

This Is How Long It Takes For A Partner To Really Trust You, According To Experts

Trust is easily one of the most important parts of a healthy relationship, but typically, it's not something that's fully there from the start because it takes some time to build. How long it takes for a partner to trust you is a question that doesn'…
By Tayi Sanusi

7 Things You Forgot To Thank Your High School Friends For & Should ASAP

Friends are a dime a dozen, but a solid, genuine group of girlfriends can be difficult to come by. When you find your tribe, you need to stick with them until the end. For some lucky people, your high school friends have been your besties since day o…
By Rachel Chapman

These 3 Zodiac Signs Will Have The Best Week, So Bask In The Glory

It's officially the second week of May, and the warmth of spring has finally arrived. The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the bright weather is allowing everyone to finally break out their favorite pair of shorts. If you think the gorgeou…
By Roya Backlund

7 Men Reveal What Attracted Them To Their Last Crush & They'll Make You Swoon

He reminded me of Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl. That's legitimately what I found appealing about my most recent crush. Sorry, but it doesn't get any deeper than that. In other instances though, when I'm not trying to live out my lustful, adolescen…
By Sydnee Lyons

A Relationship Expert Reveals His Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

"Long-distance relationships are extremely relaxing and easy to navigate," said no one in a long-distance relationship ever. Whether you are bicoastal babes or a quick two-hour train ride apart, distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes…
By Kimmy Foskett

How To Start Reading Tarot When You Have No Clue Where To Begin

I've been practicing tarot almost daily as part of my self-care routine for years. My favorite part of the day is putting on a face mask, pouring myself a blushing mimosa or some coffee, busting out a few crystals, and sitting down to spend a little …
By Minerva Siegel

7 Questions You Should Be Able To Answer About Your Life By The Time You Hit 30

Nobody has all of the answers in life, but you're probably pretty proud of yourself for how far you've come. Somewhere along the way, some of us got the hang of adulting and began to appreciate the unexpected things that come with being 20-something.…
By Marisa Casciano
)}