Have you ever had a moment where you look at your partner, who you adore like crazy, and suddenly wonder if you even really love them at all? It can be really disconcerting to have such emotional whiplash, because it’s not immediately clear if that fleeting feeling is meaningless, or if you should be worried about it. In that situation, the question becomes: Is it normal to question if you love someone? Or is it actually a sign that your subconscious is sending up red flags from deep down below?
To help answer whether or not it's common to have doubts about your feelings, and what these feelings mean for the longevity of your romance, I reached out to NYC relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter, who immediately reassured me that yes, it is, in fact, "common to question the depth of love we hold for our mate,” she tells Elite Daily. “This is especially true in long-standing partnerships."
This is true regardless of how solid your relationship is overall, because“there are many ups and downs in the life of a relationship," Winter says. "At times, we may wonder if it’s all worth it. Other times, we may wonder why we’re sticking it out. But if the good times outweigh the bad, our love will stay constant." If this sounds familiar, there's no need to panic immediately. Unless it starts happening regularly, in which case, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship. "There’s an underlying problem if the question of our love becomes chronic," Winter explains.
Oftentimes, these questions arise when there are changes to the relationship dynamic. “Healthy relationships are growing entities,” explains Winter. “This means we can experience disruption in the midst of change. This can make us question our love.” The way to know if your doubts are something that you should be overly concerned about, Winter says, depends on if “the changes you’re experiencing are viewed as negative or positive.”
If you’re still not sure, Winter says it's time to start doing some self-reflection about the relationship and how happy you are in it. Then, she says you should trust your gut. “Humans have an amazingly accurate inner calculator. It keeps track of the pluses and minuses, identifying the final total. If we dip down too far into the negative, we know it,” Winter reveals.
Just because your relationship goes through changes and you may have moments of doubt, it doesn't mean that you aren’t still very much in love and overall happy in the relationship, says Winter. “Real love is something into which we evolve, with maturity,” she explains. “Therefore, our concept of love can change throughout our relationship.” And although she says “there will be times we'll wonder if we’ve made the right choice of mate,” just asking yourself that question isn't a bad thing. In fact, think about it as you checking in with yourself to make sure that you're still happy and satisfied in your relationship.
If you’re not, then don't be afraid to make changes and pursue what will make you happy. But usually, a momentary question mark about your feelings is nothing to worry about.
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