How You'll Handle This Year's Bomb Cyclone, As Told By Your Zodiac Sign

by Rosey Baker

If you live in the northeast, you might've noticed a trend in the weather lately: it's really, really f*cking cold outside. Apparently though, the cool down we've experienced is just a warm up for Mother Nature. Meteorologists are predicting a bomb cyclone to hit the northeast. Which means astrologers are predicting how you'll react to bomb cyclone, based on your zodiac sign. By astrologers, I mean me. Because I like to stay topical when I can't stay tropical. (Sorry for that, I grew up watching Carrie Bradshaw write her "Sex and The City" column on HBO and sometimes I can't resist a rhyming pun.)

Speaking of HBO, I hope you've got a friend's account password, because the storm won't be the only thing you'll be protecting yourself against. Cabin fever is real, and if you live in a city like New York, pacing around your 500-square-foot bedroom is nobody's idea of entertainment. Gather your show suggestions, book recommendations, and strap in. You're in for a lonely week, because unfortunately, when I say bomb cyclone, I'm not talking about your sex life... unless you've got someone to cuddle with who isn't your laptop. Here's how you can expect to handle this intense storm based on your zodiac sign:

Aries: Puts Out A Craigslist Ad "Seeking Storm Partner For The End Of The World"

Aries, if the world is going to end in a furious snow hurricane that destroys every living thing in its path, you'll be damned if you're going to go down without f*cking. Years from now, when an alien race scours the Earth for clues to our civilization, they'll find your frozen bodies intertwined and say "Wow, these humans really knew how to f*ck."

Taurus: Tweets "IT'S JUST A NOR'EASTER, IDIOTS," While Boarding Up Windows And Stocking The Fridge

Yes, Taurus, we know. You're the most levelheaded of everyone and you never lose your cool. You won't be manipulated by weather-related media hype, you're far too intelligent for all that. So explain to us why, exactly, you're filling your house with SpaghettiOs and wrapping yourself in a tinfoil blanket? The storm hasn't even come yet and you look like you're filming the last scene of Independence Day.

Gemini: Plans To Start And Finish Their Memoir, Wakes Up, Sees Snow, Spends Four Days On Twitter

Well look at you, Gemini, aka Mr. or Mrs. Big Plans. Four days inside means you'll finally have the time, energy, and focus to finish that memoir on the first 23 years of your precious life just before you've actually experienced anything worth writing about.

Cancer: Calls Family For A Tearful Last Goodbye

Nothing's more upsetting than the fact that when you call your family to offer them your final words, no one will pick up because you're being too dramatic. I mean, you were crying to begin with (when are you not crying?) and now you're crying... harder. You are seriously always crying. Stock up on tissues and toilet paper, Cancer.

Leo: Sleeps Through Entire Cyclone, Wakes Up Proclaiming "I Am The Nap Queen!"

If there's one thing Leos are better at than being the life of the party, it's sleeping until the neighbors start to worry. It takes a lot of energy to be the most entertaining person in the room, and sometimes you have to dip into the energy reserves in order to stock up. A four-day long bombogenesis is just enough time for what Leo would call a power nap.

Virgo: Opens Front Door, Waits For Homeless Animals To Line Up In Pairs

Not all heroes wear capes and fight crime, Virgo. Some of them just wear snowsuits and feed homeless cats. While the rest of the world is out there stocking up on supplies and worrying about their families, you're out in the streets saving the helpless, and for that, people will hold you in the highest regard and herald you as "very odd." Can you blame them? You're acting like your home is Noah's Ark. But hey, somebody has to.

Libra: Reads Weather Report, Is Devastated To Learn Amazon Shipments Will Be Delayed

It's almost like the cold heartless winter weather DGAF about your brand new silk sheets. You'd think Amazon had insider info about this weather at least two weeks before us regular humans did. That company is practically run by the Illuminati. How are you supposed to enjoy the end of the world wrapped up in your old cotton sheets, Libra? If you're going to be found frozen in your bed, you'd at least like to look classy in some silk sheets so the EMTs know you lived a good life.

Scorpio: Prepares To Wage War "On God"

It's not that you mind holing up in your apartment from time to time (every day for a few hours a day), but when Mother Nature takes the choice to go outside away from you, that crosses your motherf*cking line.

Scorpio will be the first sign to head outside in the icy dump that the universe is taking on us to yell at the skies until they faint. At least they'll die the same way they lived: not taking any sh*t.

Sagittarius: Knocks On Every Neighbors Door Singing "Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?" From Frozen

You know how to make the best of a bad situation Sagittarius, and when you heard the words "bomb cyclone," you just read it as "really dope storm is coming to town and you put your best party snow boots on." At least someone is being positive about this. Might as well be you.

Capricorn: Calls Weather Service To Say, "Stop Being So Alarmist"

Capricorn, if there's anything you can't stand, it's everything... including the dramatic hysteria that follows the National Weather Service calling a snow storm a bomb cyclone. This is just winter. Now if everyone would just put their Twitter torches away, we could resume life as we know it.

Aquarius: Turns On The News, Grabs The Popcorn, And Enjoys The Histrionics

Aquarius is the only sign who is detached enough to actually enjoy watching everyone lose their motherf*cking minds over a snowstorm without getting swept up in the madness themselves. In fact, if you've got any weed in the house to enjoy, you'll probably find all this hysteria nothing more than just... well, hysterical.

Pisces: Gives Up Three Days Into Sober January, Buys A Liquor Store, Moves In

Sure, you signed up to do Sober January, but what even is Sober January if not a 30-day-long waiting period for an excuse to go on a bender? As much as you wanted to take part in Sober January, it really seems like that choice has been taken from you. If you really wanted to challenge yourself, you can still challenge your liver. There's always next year. If next year even comes. I mean, the world is basically ending.