If you really want to have a hot and satisfying sex life — vanilla or otherwise — all the experts agree the key is communication. “Any kind of sex can be hot and satisfying as long as it's the kind of sex you enjoy and want,” Kayla Lords, writer and sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com, tells Elite Daily. “Plenty of people reject vanilla sex when what they're really rejecting is sex that doesn't excite them or make them want more,” Lords says. “That's not about the position you have sex in, but the approach you have with your partner. Are you and your partner telling each other what you want? Have you shown each other exactly what gets you off? Are you exploring different desires with each other? These are the things that make any kind of sex exciting and satisfying.” She adds that you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up about what you really desire. “Share your sexiest fantasies with each other,” she advises. “It could be having sex on the kitchen counter or giving or receiving more oral sex. You'll break any boring rut you might be in and open up the conversation about sex which can lead to better sex.”
Kelly J. Connell, a sexuality educator and consultant and sexuality expert for MyFirstBlush.com, echoes Lords in saying that open communication is an essential factor in whether or not your sex life is satisfying, rather than how vanilla or kinky it is. ”Being able to talk about what they want, what they like, what they don't like, what feels good, what they would like to try, and what their boundaries are is crucial to couples maintaining a healthy sex life,” Connell tells Elite Daily. She adds that it’s also important to trust your own desires and preferences rather than looking to outside sources to tell you what the “right” way to have sex is. “Understand that sex is not like it is in the movies. Having [a] realistic understanding that not every time may result in fireworks but that it can still be wonderful,” she says.
The most important takeaway has to be what Connell concludes: The focus should always be on how the kind of sex you're having makes you and your partner feel — period. “You know you have had good, healthy sex when after it’s over and you are laying there with your partner, you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, and good about all of the behaviors you have just engaged in,“ she says. Sometimes it's easy to forget that very basic and powerful truth.
At the end of the day, if vanilla sex makes you happy, then by all means, keep it vanilla. And when you're ready to mix it up, try the experts’ suggestions of increasing communication about the desires and fantasies you’d like fulfilled, and changing up the location. Then comes the fun part.