Here's Why Vanilla Sex Doesn't Have To Be Boring, According To Sex Experts
It can often feel like there's so much pressure to constantly push the boundaries and experiment when it comes to sex. But what if you don't want to? What if you really enjoy the basics and just prefer straight-up vanilla sex? Does that mean your sex life is doomed to be a dud if you don't want to break out all the advanced sex toys or go full human pretzel in the boudoir? The answer to that is of course not, because vanilla sex doesn’t have to be boring at all!
Or as Rachel Hoffman, licensed clinical social worker and sex expert, tells Elite Daily: "Vanilla is delicious." The same, Hoffman says, goes for vanilla sex. "When you think of vanilla ice cream, you go back to the basics, to what you know you'll love, and you simply enjoy it for what it is,” she explains. “There is constantly pressure to be experimental, to push yourself outside your comfort zone in order to figure out what positions, toys, or tricks you can try. I definitely recommend trying new things; however, this does not mean to completely dismiss vanilla sex! Vanilla sex can be completely satisfying, pleasurable, and can feel passionate and steamy." So, if vanilla is your favorite flavor in the bedroom, here is why the experts say it can be super hot.
1. It’s all about brain chemistry.
Sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell agrees that vanilla sex all too often gets an undeserved bad reputation. “[It] gets a bad wrap because it's considered boring. If this were true though, it wouldn't be so popular. It's popular for a reason. People like it!” she tells Elite Daily. As Darnell explains, one of the reasons vanilla sex is great all comes down to chemistry — brain chemistry, that is. “Vanilla sex, like all other kinds of sex produces chemicals designed to help us feel good, connect and make life more meaningful.”
2. Experimentation does not automatically mean better sex.
If you want to spice things up in the bedroom, it doesn’t mean you have to start introducing more, ahem... advanced activities, if that’s not your preference. Mayla Green, sex expert and co-founder of TheAdultToyShop.com, says what makes sex hot or not really does come down to what works best to turn you on, even when it’s vanilla. “Just because you don't experiment with anal play doesn't mean you're not having great sex. Personal preference plays a major role and some people are simply more modest, so their basic sex life is all they need and want, and there is no desire to divulge into fetishes or kink,” she tells Elite Daily.
That being said, there are plenty of vanilla ways to add some heat in the bedroom. Darnell says it can be as simple as taking your vanilla actives to a new location. “This adds a little pizazz if you think bedroom sex is boring. From a brain science perspective, research suggests that repetition is the root of boring sex for many of us. Even if you're having vanilla sex, it needn't be boring if you keep the context fresh,” she explains.
3. Communication is what keeps things hot in the bedroom.
If you really want to have a hot and satisfying sex life — vanilla or otherwise — all the experts agree the key is communication. “Any kind of sex can be hot and satisfying as long as it's the kind of sex you enjoy and want,” Kayla Lords, writer and sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com, tells Elite Daily. “Plenty of people reject vanilla sex when what they're really rejecting is sex that doesn't excite them or make them want more,” Lords says. “That's not about the position you have sex in, but the approach you have with your partner. Are you and your partner telling each other what you want? Have you shown each other exactly what gets you off? Are you exploring different desires with each other? These are the things that make any kind of sex exciting and satisfying.” She adds that you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up about what you really desire. “Share your sexiest fantasies with each other,” she advises. “It could be having sex on the kitchen counter or giving or receiving more oral sex. You'll break any boring rut you might be in and open up the conversation about sex which can lead to better sex.”
Kelly J. Connell, a sexuality educator and consultant and sexuality expert for MyFirstBlush.com, echoes Lords in saying that open communication is an essential factor in whether or not your sex life is satisfying, rather than how vanilla or kinky it is. ”Being able to talk about what they want, what they like, what they don't like, what feels good, what they would like to try, and what their boundaries are is crucial to couples maintaining a healthy sex life,” Connell tells Elite Daily. She adds that it’s also important to trust your own desires and preferences rather than looking to outside sources to tell you what the “right” way to have sex is. “Understand that sex is not like it is in the movies. Having [a] realistic understanding that not every time may result in fireworks but that it can still be wonderful,” she says.
The most important takeaway has to be what Connell concludes: The focus should always be on how the kind of sex you're having makes you and your partner feel — period. “You know you have had good, healthy sex when after it’s over and you are laying there with your partner, you feel good about yourself, good about your partner, and good about all of the behaviors you have just engaged in,“ she says. Sometimes it's easy to forget that very basic and powerful truth.
At the end of the day, if vanilla sex makes you happy, then by all means, keep it vanilla. And when you're ready to mix it up, try the experts’ suggestions of increasing communication about the desires and fantasies you’d like fulfilled, and changing up the location. Then comes the fun part.