The idea that there is one single person on Earth who's considered your soulmate is like asking all of mankind to look for a needle in a haystack. It's so much pressure to put on the heart, and that can make both dating and enjoying singledom way more strenuous. How's anyone meant to relax if everyone's busy finding their "one" person; their one needle in the haystack? Nevertheless, it's romantic. Pop culture lifts up the concept of a "soulmate" at every twist and turn. But, can multiple people be “the one"? And if so, how can people who date remember to keep that in mind and just enjoy the process?
The concept of "the one" means that there's "one person who fits perfectly into their partner's life," Sonya Schwartz, relationship expert and owner of Her Aspiration, tells Elite Daily. "The one" is someone with whom you share "common interests and ideals, someone with whom sex is great, and who can satisfy most of your dreams." If that's the case, then finding "the one" is really just about partnering with someone you are highly compatible with, and perhaps not about finding your one needle in the haystack. Here's what relationship experts had to say about finding your sole soulmate, and where you should really focus your energy.
First thing's first: Can you have multiple “the ones” in your life? The answer is yes, says Brenda Della Casa, a relationship coach and author of Cinderella Was A Liar. “Thinking about ‘the one’ is romantic in theory but limiting and self-destructive in practice,” she tells Elite Daily. “The fact is there are 7.5 billion people on the planet, so the idea that there is only one person with whom you can find happiness is both misleading and depressing."
Not only can this belief make finding the right partner feel impossible, but it also adds unnecessary stake to every romantic encounter you have, Della Casa explains. “This idea also places an unbelievable amount of pressure on the relationship. It forces people to exist in extremes," she says. "Every argument or misstep will either be amplified or overlooked if you’re operating under the idea that this is the only person in the world who is right for you.”
The result of focusing on finding “the one” may actually prove counterproductive, Schwartz warns. “You might miss some interesting relationship opportunities, and maybe even your soulmate. Things happen at the right time and only if they have to happen, so there is no need to start and search for the love of your dreams,” she adds. Her advice is to stop worrying about finding “the one” and just let things unfold naturally.
Perhaps the most compelling argument against there only being a single “one” for you is that, as we grow and evolve, our needs and desires from a partner change and grow, too, as Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the Breakup BOOST podcast, tells Elite Daily. “I don’t believe there is just one person. If that were the case, there wouldn’t be so many breakups, divorces, and relationship problems," she says. "I think, instead, in most cases, it feels like 'the one' for a certain period of time.”
It's all about finding the person who is right for you now, and hopefully, you will grow together. If not, that doesn’t mean it's your last opportunity to be with “the one,” explains Diana Dorell, intuitive dating coach and author of The Dating Mirror: Trust Again, Love Again. “What felt like ‘the one’ in your twenties could be very different from ‘the one’ in your forties,” she tells Elite Daily. “In essence, there is a ‘one’ for every season of your life if you allow space for it and, ideally, yes, that is the same person and you grow together, but that doesn't always happen.”
If you really want to find “the one,” Della Casa says it's best to start looking a lot closer to home. By that, she means start with focusing on yourself. “The best way to find one of the people for you is to take time to really get to know who you are, what your values are and what you’re looking for," she suggests. "The better understanding you have of yourself, the easier it will be to identify a good match and walk away from a not-so-good-one.”
“You are the soulmate you've been looking for and pining for,” agrees Dorell. “When you truly learn to love your own company, and feel comfortable in your own skin, the right people just come into your world. They are drawn to you. There's no chasing or beating yourself up because you haven't found the elusive ‘one’ because you've already chosen yourself, and whoever else gets added to your world is a bonus, not an obligation,” she says.
Ultimately, the key here is to focus less on finding the mythical “one” and instead look for someone with whom you're compatible and who treats you well. That is the way to find your true "soulmate," Della Casa says. “If you find someone who loves, respects, values, and supports you, someone you are attracted to and grows with you, be grateful for them and show them by giving them the same love, respect and support in return. That’s how you build a one-of-a-kind relationship,” she concludes. In other words, the one who got away wasn’t “the one." The person who sticks around and truly makes you happy is “the one” who counts.
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