Relationships
9 Red Flags You Can See After Getting Engaged Or Married, So Watch Out
by Candice Jalili
People spend a lot of time discussing red flags you should look out for at the beginning of a relationship. But those aren't the only ones out there. In fact, there are plenty of red flags you can see after getting engaged or married. But what are they? Well, in a recent Reddit AskWomen thread, ladies shared the ones they spotted in their own relationships after they got engaged or married. Read along and consider yourselves warned.
He dropped the ball when she needed him most.
The first time I really needed his support and understanding (dad died) he was so angry I didn’t have the bandwidth for his needs all the time. We’re still not over that. Oh, and the controlling behavior- they don’t lay that on thick until they ‘have’ you.
He started getting constantly annoyed with her.
He became annoyed with me all of the time. After he proposed. Everything I said was stupid, my guitar playing was horrible, my family got on his nerves, I was too needy and clingy and he needed space. He started calling me names, finding things wrong about my body, criticizing what I wore. It started slowly and escalated quickly, then he was cheating on me and drinking a lot.Before he had proposed it was like I had won the lottery, he was just that amazing. It’s been almost 6 years since we broke it off but I still wonder what caused him to change so drastically. I blamed myself for a long time, thankfully I don’t now.He did end up getting married about 6 months after we broke up, if that long.
He started getting in the way of her relationships with others.
Super controlling behaviour. Limiting my contact time with anyone who wasn’t him.
Distance from his family changed him.
Well, his distance from his family wasn't such a great thing. Because it turns out the lack of contact meant he wasn't good at drawing boundaries. He let his a**hole dad blow up at me in our house over a box and said nothing. After they left, I told him he needed to handle it. He needed to tell his dad that wasn't ok. Never said a word. A**wipe showed up uninvited a few weeks later and croaked out a half-a** apology because we were hosting his daughter's family and her wanted to see them. You could cut the tension with a knife because I didn't have it in me to even PRETEND to be kind.
He quit his job and it changed him completely.
About six months into marriage he quit his job(he then didn't work for three years), and slowly transferred all responsibility to me. He stopped cooking and cleaning with me, and I started not only doing most household things, but also cleaning up after him. He stopped taking care of his pets, and the responsibility fell on me. He became very controlling, and isolated me from friends and family. He took much less of an interest in sex with me once it no longer hurt me. He started degrading jokes. He started ingoring and pushing my boundaries. The other abuse was added in waves over time. I was shocked that someone could completely hide who they were for a year and a half. It took me almost five years of marriage and a discard to get out.
She started trying to purposely make her angry.
My wife does things intentionally to make me angry. For example, when i try to talk to her about somethings thats been bothering me, she'll do that same exact thing I kindly ask her not to do. Mocks me for it, and challenges me when I'm trying to talk about it. I have developed the patience of Ghandy but i've also lost all my hair.
He became controlling.
Controlling behaviour. Needed to know where I was and who I was with all the time. If I was out with friends he would be calling and texting to know when I was coming home. Every time I used the bank account to buy groceries he would be calling to ask what I was buying or if I took any money out of the account wanted to know what I spent it on and how much change I had leftover. Went so far as to give me a petty cash tin that I had to leave dockets it. It was crazy stuff. Then I also realised when it came to big decision, it was always me expected to sacrifice myself he would never do anything for me or my benefit. Granted to say we are no longer together.
He became weird about sex.
Got engaged too young because I was naive and thought my life would be a Disney film lol... It's only being with someone new a year or so later that I realised how funny my ex was about sex. Constant pressure and expectation, he would write notes in his phone to count how many times we'd had sex that week/month and if it wasn't enough, he'd get arsey or upset. It's weird because my current boyfriend is so bloody NICE and never pressures me or gets irritated when we don't. But I still can't help but feel guilty and teary if we can't have sex for whatever reason which I know is stupid but I'm working on ridding myself of guilt! Glad those days are over. :-)
She saw him truly angry for the first time.
One thing I would say about getting married: don’t do it until you see him super ANGRY. How does he handle his anger? Don’t do it until you have upset him seriously at least once. Can he forgive and move on or does he bring up what you did every time he needs a point? Wait until you see him at his lowest. Does he want you to be his handmaiden or does he want a hand up? It takes years to really know these things and people (me included) don’t wait long enough to really know. I was with my husband 6 years before the switch flipped.
If you've experienced any of these things in your own relationship, at the very least, take this article as a sign that you are not alone.
If you or a loved one needs help leaving an abusive relationship, dial The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or visit TheHotline.org to chat online with a trained advocate.
