There's little that's sexier than a confident lover; someone who knows what they want in the bedroom and is comfortable enough to ask for it. This kind of confidence might come naturally for some people, while for others, it may take a little more work to get in the right frame of mind. That's OK too, but knowing that you want to feel like your best, most powerful self in the bedroom and actually being able to shake off those nerves are two different things. That's why having a few tips for feeling confident before a hookup to help lift your sexy spirits can be super helpful.
Feeling self-assured before a hookup not only allows you to be present in the moment, but can actually improve your overall satisfaction with the experience by giving you the confidence to get more of what you want out of it. "Having confidence puts us in a better state to make decisions and vocalize needs because we tend to be less worried about someone's opinion or reaction," Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional, tells Elite Daily. And when it comes to satisfaction, well, more is more. Here's how the experts say you can help boost your self-assurance and go boldly into the bedroom.
1. Boost Your Confidence With Positive Self-Talk.
If you want to feel your best, then do what Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life previously told Elite Daily: Remind yourself just how awesome you are. “Tell yourself how hot you are and strong you are," she said. "If you feel good about yourself and your body, you can enjoy everything that's happening to you."
If need a little extra boost, Jean suggests having a friend lend a supportive voice. “Message a friend and ask them to tell you something they like about you. I do this at times if I'm feeling low and just need a little extra boost. Sometimes it's easier for our friends to recognize these things than ourselves,” she explains.
2. Set Clear Boundaries From The Start.
All too often, fear of the unknown can cut in on our confidence. By setting up boundaries and expectations right from the start, it can help calm our nerves and pump up our overall self-assurance, Engle explained. “Talking about consent and boundaries is critical for good hookup experiences," Engle said. "You don't want to find you're in a situation that is uncomfortable, or you're crossing into sexual play that you're not comfortable with."
Most importantly, “Only do what feels good to you,” as Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure, tells Elite Daily.
3. Practice Visualization.
If you're feeling nervous before hooking up with someone, Jean suggests taking a moment to let what might happen play out in your head. Not only will this help soothe feelings of the unknown, but it can assist in gauging how you really feel about the situation, she says. “Picture it happening and see if it either turns you on, off, gets you excited or nervous. This can either tell you if it’s something you entirely feel comfortable with or not,” she advises. You might discover your nerves are telling you there's something you’re not comfortable with in this situation. Part of being confident is knowing when to say no to something that's not working for you or making adjustments. For example, maybe you will feel more confident at your place, rather than at their house.
4. Get Your Safe Sex Practices Sorted Out Beforehand.
Taking care of yourself and prioritizing your sexual wellbeing is a great way to boost your confidence. It also gives you one less thing to worry about before a hookup. This is why Fiona Gilbert, a sexual wellness and fertility consultant, tells Elite Daily it's so important to have a “safety first” attitude when going into any sexual encounter. “Do you have protection? Is your contraceptive working? Knowing you have all of this will help your confidence,” she explains.
5. Let Yourself Enjoy The Experience.
If hooking up with someone is something you want to do and you're enthusiastic about it, there's no reason to feel shame that can tank your self-confidence. "Remind yourself that it's OK to have these experiences," Engle said. "[Confidence] gives you the strength to not bend to the societal pressure that dictates female-raised people should be 'good girls' and 'not slutty.'" Do what feels right for you, because, in the end and despite what our all-too-often sexist culture might have told you, that’s what really matters.
Sometimes feeling confident takes a bit of work, and that’s OK. Like so many other things in life, it can be a bit of a journey, but at least now you know how to take the first few steps. Take a deep breath. You've got this.
Amy Levine, sex coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure
Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional
Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life
Fiona Gilbert, a sexual wellness and fertility consultant.