4 Obvious Signs Your Relationship Is Over That You've Been Missing This Whole Time
It's October, but because global warming gifted New Yorkers with a never-ending summer this year, I refuse to believe that winter is coming. Tell me again, Jon Snow, because I'm in denial. (I was wearing sandals, like, yesterday.) Yes, I logically understand that it will snow. There have been signs — a chilly day here or there — that I've ignored. If I'm this ignorant about a guaranteed season change, you might miss signs your relationship is over, and that's totes normal. The stakes are much higher when it comes to your heart.
Like kissing summer goodbye, kissing a long-time partner goodbye can be difficult. Scratch that; it can be devastating. It can mean lying in bed for three days sans shower, sobbing so hard you almost puke, and feeling like the world is over. Dramatic, I know. But haven't we all been there? Of course we're looking to avoid the signs that our relationship is over. Endings f*cking suck.
On the other hand, staying in a relationship that is no longer bringing you life is unhealthy as well. True, you may not have to suffer an explosion of feelings in bed with Oreos and wine — palates don't exist when you're heartbroken — but you'll suffer in smaller ways day to day if you stay in a relationship that isn't working for you. You know those grumpy, older married couples you meet who seem to hate each other? Yeah, that's probably not #goals.
Here are four signs that your relationship is over that you may be missing:
1. You Don't Trust Your Partner
Of all the feelings in the world, this is one of the worst. When you suspect your partner is being unfaithful, or even just being a little sketchy in his interactions with an ex or a coworker, it's easy to drive yourself crazy. (Especially because phones mean that Google is always within reach.)
"In any relationship, it is normal to have a healthy amount of suspicions," says Alessandra Conti, celebrity matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, "But, if you wake up every day with a sinking feeling that he is cheating on you, you sneak through his texts on the daily... this is not a healthy amount of suspicion."
Whether or not your partner is actually cheating, the lack of confidence isn't ideal. You don't want to spend the rest of your days wondering why he's been listening to RiRi's "Unfaithful" on repeat. Maybe it's just his new running song? The best relationships are based on trust, so prioritize it.
2. You Don't Make Time For Each Other Anymore
Of course, after the initial sparks have faded, you and your partner are not going to be as obsessed with spending every waking moment together, but if you both consistently choose other obligations, activities, or people over spending quality time together, your relaysh might be fading.
However, don't turn into a relationship nihilist just yet: "Before unilaterally calling it quits, have a talk with [your partner] letting [them] know that you want to spend more quality time with [them], and see how [your partner] implements this constructive feedback," says Conti. By itself, this sign doesn't mean your relationship is necessarily done, but when combined with other signs, it's a major red flag.
3. You Feel Judged By Your Partner
The best part about having a SO is that you have someone who's wholly on Team You. You, in turn, should be your partner's biggest cheerleader. This is a mark of a healthy relationship. Even if you are prone to accidental nagging, or get a little embarrassed when your partner insists on wearing his weird feet gloves on a hike, if you're supportive of your partner overall, your relationship is OK.
On the other hand, if your partner is consistently putting you down, you should take this as a major sign that it's time to exit the relationship. Why would you be with someone who thinks it's OK to make you feel less than? Your partner "should make you feel like you are the most incredible woman in the world," says Conti. She adds that they should feel lucky you are committed to them. Judgment is base, so don't settle for it.
4. Your Partner Is Controlling
I believe that this should be a non-negotiable. However, a friend's experience has opened my eyes to how difficult and dangerous it can be to break up with a controlling or abusive partner. (If you feel unsafe in your relationship and need a resource, The Hotline is a great one.)
Control does not necessarily mean abuse, though. If you feel like you need your partner's permission to do certain things, take notice. "If you feel like your every move is being judged, or like [they are] monitoring your every behavior, or blowing up if you do not text back within the hour, these can lead to something more dangerous in the future," says Conti. Again, if you are in danger, reach out to a trusted source.
At the end of the day, there's no magical way of predicting the exact moment a relationship should be declared "over." All you can do is ask yourself "do I feel happy in this relationship?" If the answer is "not really" or even a flat out "f*ck no," ask yourself why. Identifying why you are unhappy can help you realize that it's time to move on. Remember, breakups suck, but they're not forever. Sending all of the hugs!
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