Let's face it: "masturbation" is not a pretty word. It sounds clunky and clinical, neither of which are attributes that should be associated with self-pleasure. Unfortunately, many of the other words for masturbation are just as bad. There are dozens of ridiculous slang words to describe this act, ranging from very vague to extremely vulgar.
Wondering why no one has tried to fix this problem? Well, Sweden has. Turns out there is no Swedish term for female masturbation. In 2014, the Swedish Association for Sexual Education went as far as to have a contest to come up with a new name for it. Their attempt to open up the dialogue around women and masturbation was definitely admirable, but the word they came up with didn't prove to be a popular solution. I mean, have you even heard about it? I included it on the list (number three for women — below), because I know you're curious.
Whether you're looking to expand your dirty vocabulary or you're just looking to learn some new sexual innuendo, you're in luck. I've complied a list that you never even knew you needed. Below are 15 of the most bizarre phrases for both female and male masturbation — I hope you enjoy.
1. Jilling Off
The feminine equivalent to "jacking off," this popular term makes me feel sorry for all the Jills out there.
2. Riding The Unicycle
One of the less offensive ways to reference masturbation, this cutesy code could catch on.
Here you have it. A combination of the Swedish words for "clitoris" (klitoris) and "glitter" (glittra), this word unfortunately received some criticism when it was announced.
4. Flicking The Bean
Love it or hate it, flicking the bean is often used to describe female masturbation. Where do you stand on the issue?
Who hasn't put off their responsibilities and opted to spend the afternoon with their vibrator instead? This mash-up of procrastinating and masturbating is honestly genius.
6. Pushing Your Button
Ha, get it? This nickname for getting off is clear and to the point.
7. Rubbing One Out
For some reason, I am personally offended by this phrase. It just sounds icky, IMO.
8. Ménage à Moi
I think this last word is a clear winner in the ladies' category. It's witty, elegant, and French. So perfect.
1. Spanking The Monkey
Of course the names for male masturbation are going to be gross. Trust me, I tried to pick the least explicit options.
2. Jacking The Beanstalk
OK, this one is kind of humorous, in a "it will ruin your childhood" kind of way.
3. Auditioning Your Hand Puppet
I always knew puppets were creepy. There is a female version of this as well, which refers to finger puppets instead. Not any better.
This predominantly British term for masturbation lacks that English charm, if you ask me.
5. Playing The Skin Flute
Again, ew. Why are there so many objects that become phallic as soon as you put them in the wrong context?
6. Charming The Snake
This is probably the least offensive of the bunch, but it's still not great. As a side note, why is there so much animal imagery when it comes to male masturbation?
7. Taking The Dog For A Walk
Oh look, another animal. By the way ladies, if your man says he's taking the dog for a walk but you don't have a dog... this is what he's talking about.
Now that you're enlightened, you can go out into the world and come up with your own term for masturbation. Hopefully one that's way better than any of these. Trademark it and you'll probably be rich. Maybe it will end up in the Oxford dictionary and become the new "bae" or "yass." A girl can dream, right?