Julius Nielsen

400-Year-Old Shark Crowned The Longest Living Vertebrate

Let me be very clear. The only shark that I want to see living 400 years from now is Left Shark. Left Shark forever, I say!

If there were an Olympic event for living the longest, the Greenland shark would take home the gold, probably at every Olympics, you know, for the next four centuries.

And this shark doesn't need any performance enhancing drugs! You hear that, Yulia Efimova?

That sick burn aside, you should know the 400-year-old Greenland shark makes its home in the frosty waters of the North Atlantic, growing up to 13 to 16 feet in length.

Let's just say if I were on the Titanic, I'd be more worried about the Greenland shark, not icebergs, know what I mean?

All right, I'd probably be worried about Billy Zane the most. Can someone check in on him to see if he's ok?

Reachers, led by marine biologist Julius Nielsen of the University of Copenhagen, were able to determine their uber geriatric age by analyzing their eyeballs.

Yes, I'm talking about these adorable peepers...

Julius Nielsen

Actually, on second thought, they kind of look like human eyes, which makes me think that this shark is actually a person that was magically turned into a fish, like Tim Allen in "The Shaggy Dog."

Those eyes scream, "HELP ME! I USED TO BE AN ACCOUNTANT AND A MERMAID TRANSFORMED ME! I HAVE A WIFE!"

By carbon-14 dating the lens of the Greenland shark's eyes, researchers were able to determine that this is the longest living vertebrate ever.

Unfortunately for the Greenland shark's dating life, this species doesn't become sexually active until around the age of 150.

Can you imagine not getting any for 149 years? Those sharks have got to be backed up.

Two of the specimens researchers lived 327 years and 392 years, and they didn't even die of natural causes.

I don't think I could go 327 years without getting hit by a car or falling into an open manhole, so I'm seriously impressed.

Let's give it up for the Greenland shark, the oldest, scariest creature to ever haunt your dreams forever.

Citations: Scientists Discover Sharks That Can Live for 400 Years (Time)