Gatorade to the left of me, bagel to the right — here I am, stuck in the middle with a terrible hangover that makes me wish hell would open up and swallow me whole.
Sure, you survived the company holiday party, or those ill-advised Jägerbombs or "girls night," which everyone knows consists of drinking two bottles of wine each... but God, at what cost?
You're either still too drunk to take advantage of a fast food drive-thru, or you are incapable of even getting up to put on pants. Who invented pants anyone? A sober person, I bet.
I have good news, you little inebriate imp: McDonald's will start experimenting with delivery in January 2017 in select cities.
Personally, I think this is a great idea.
It's going to get munchie-seeking drivers off the road when they are way too intoxicated to be driving.
It will provide more jobs, until self-driving car robots take over.
And I am hungover six days out of seven, and I deserve chicken nuggets.
With McDonald's delivered straight to your door, you'll basically feel like it's 1994. You're Richie Rich, and you employ an entire fast food franchise in your own home.
Florida, naturally, is going to be tested first. In Orlando, Tampa and Miami, 200 restaurants will start delivering those sweet, sweet hash browns through UberEATS.
Just like other restaurants on the app, you can order your items, track the progress and delivery and then accept your order at your door.
Depending on how well the service does in Florida, McDonald's will plan to expand the delivery service.
This is your chance, Florida. You can make up for a lot of crazy stuff if you get me McDonald's delivery.
Until then, I will pop two Advil, chug a brightly colored drink that promises to replace my electrolytes and hope that the cold embrace of death comes swiftly.