I'll stop shopping at IKEA when you pry my Swedish meatballs out of my cold, dead hands!
I'll admit I'm a fan of IKEA, and not just because of those sweet, sweet meaty balls covered in gravy and lingonberry jam.
That said, I do warn all of my guests, "Careful, I assembled that myself," when they enter my humble, converted garage studio apartment.
I do wonder, sometimes while I'm lost in the labyrinth that is IKEA, when will I be too old to purchase my furniture here?
When will I stop drunkenly shattering my wine glasses and coming here biweekly to replace them?
At what age will I have to finally suck it up and buy real adult furniture and not sweet bunkbeds?
Thanks to Earnest, a student loan startup, we now have the numbers that show when we finally grow out of IKEA.
According to their data on IKEA shopping habits, we finally turn into real adults when we are about 34 years old.
Excuse me while I daydream about having my life together enough to purchase furniture that comes fully assembled.
I'm talking about furniture that I don't have to try to stuff into my friend's hatchback and instead comes on the back of a delivery truck.
I'm talking about furniture that I don't have to struggle to get inside my apartment, but that two beautiful, muscular delivery people bring in without my help at all.
I'm talking about furniture I would then make love to those delivery people on.
Sorry, most of my daydreams end this way. Moving on.
Earnest gathered the data from tens of thousands of loan applicants who took their survey. They then compared the ages of people and where they buy their furniture.
IKEA is the only store whose peak customer age is below 30.
So, yeah, we millennials have it to-get-her.
I mean, does Lowe's also offer a delicious cheap meal? No.
Does West Elm promise frozen yogurt for ONE SINGLE DOLLAR when you exit their store? I don't think so.
To be fair, as we get older we do tend to have more money, which is why people tend to shop at more expensive stores. But my loyalty stays with the meatballs.