In case no one has told you, adulthood is like really hard. Nobody congratulates you when you do a mediocre job at a simple task, you have to schedule your own doctor appointments (aka you don’t go to the doctor anymore) and somehow, you still don’t know how to do anything correctly.
Also, it turns out that the career you spent the past four years (and upwards of $80,000 on) studying doesn’t just fall into your lap if you ask nicely.
You have to actually go to job interviews, look and sound smart and act like you really care about something.
It’s enough to make me want to take a nap for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, it’s unavoidable. Jobs are all the hype these days, and in order to obtain one, you have to nail that job interview.
I don’t know about you guys, but for me, killing it at a job interview is a lot like writing a final paper in college; all you have to do is bullsh*t them. Like I touched on before, this is exhausting.
Wouldn’t it be nice if just once, you could say what you really meant at a job interview? That’s why I’ve made a list of things I typically say at interviews and translated them into what I wish I could actually.
Don’t try this at home — and by home, I mean in a potential employer’s office.
“That’s a really good question.”
Translation: “I do not have an answer prepared for that question, so I’m going to stall for a moment while I try to come up with something. Sh*t, what was the question again?”
“I love your (insert an article of clothing or accessory that you could really care less about here)."
Translation: “I’m trying to make you like me. Please hire me.”
“I can absolutely handle all of the responsibilities and can guarantee you I will not let you down.”
Translation: “I’m going to have to go home and Google how to do most of those things you just listed. I hope I don’t let you down. Oh my God, I’m going to let you down and you’re going to fire me. I’m fired. Wait, I’m not even hired yet.”
*Nods head aggressively and offers a frequent “Mmmhmm.”*
Translation: *Has no idea what the hell this person is talking about.* Fake it until you make it.
“Oh, don’t worry; I’m never late.”
Translation: “I had to set seven alarms to wake up for this interview. I slept through all of them and I can’t believe I made it here on time.”
“It would be a dream come true to work here.”
Translation: “It would allow me to pay my bills if I worked here, but I’d probably wake up dreading coming in every day.”
“I’m a really fast learner.”
Translation: “I don’t really know how to do things, but I’ll try. I’m not making any promises though.”
“I’m a fantastic multi-tasker.”
Translation: “I’ll probably have Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Twitter and sometimes Tinder open while I’m ‘working.’"
“I’m a real people person.”
Translation: “I f*cking hate everyone.”
Translation: “Wait, what?”
“I always try my hardest. You could say I’m a perfectionist.”
Translation: “I give a solid 75 percent. Unless I’m tired, sad or don’t feel like it.”
“What are you looking for in an ideal candidate?”
Translation: “I read online somewhere that this is a good question to ask.”
“Thanks so much for taking the time to speak with me. It was so great to meet you.”
Translation: “This was painful. I’m sweating a lot and I’m so happy I’m leaving.”