It was New Years Eve 2012, and I, like most college freshmen home for the holidays, found myself at a house party with all of my friends from high school.
I was having a great time catching up with my friend in the kitchen when I glanced behind his head over at the microwave to notice it was 11:58. “Holy sh*t,” I thought to myself. “I am going to have to kiss him.”
Don’t get me wrong. John* (let’s call him John) is a nice guy and a dear friend of mine. That being said, the thought of ever locking lips with him makes me want to throw up in tin foil and eat it over and over again until the end of time.
But I knew it was inevitable. So I did the only thing any self-respecting person can do in that situation and ran to the bathroom. That’s right. I rang in 2012 locked in the bathroom hiding from my friend, John.
And poor John isn’t even a creepy guy! He’s a great, nice, normal guy. It’s not like he was preying on me. It’s just this weird New Year's kiss tradition suddenly makes it OK for you to smooch anyone in sight. I think it’s weird and creepy, and if you haven’t picked up on my vibe already, I just hate it.
It’s literally like you’re playing musical chairs with your lips. And you know what? I don’t even like to play musical chairs with chairs!
So I decided to ask around and see if anyone else had any traumatizing New Year's kiss experiences and boy oh boy did I get some good responses.
So here they are. Real life stories from real life people. Trust me, I couldn't make this sh*t up if I tried.
1. When you get a little surprise…
So one year, me and my girls decided to try and have a New Year's to ourselves, but one friend got so drunk that she ended up crying and texting her ex. So he came and brought his brother along, whose weird nickname was Snir (more on that later). I had recently broken up with my boyfriend after he moved back to South Korea to take over his father's martial arts club, so I was feeling really lonely and started chatting up Snir, despite the somewhat strange odor coming from his body. It was getting close to midnight, and it was looking obvious that me and Snir would lock lips at midnight. Once the countdown started, we looked at each and started getting closer. At "one," I went for an open mouth kiss...big mistake. He burped into my mouth, turned around and started laughing! His brother had dared him to do it, and I later learned that Snir means burp in another language! The next year, I decided to celebrate New Year's with a tub of Rolo ice cream in my PJs.
2. When you find a fake boyfriend for the night…
I blacked out at 9 pm and apparently had a boyfriend the whole night. No recollection of his face or any time spent with him, but apparently that was my New Year's kiss, and apparently, we were obnoxiously making out all over the place. He added me on Snapchat two weeks later. I didn't add him back.
3. When your friend’s guy tries to scheme on you…
My friend threw a New Year's party at her apartment. Her former friend-with-benefits was there. We were talking for a bit, and for some reason, when she was in the kitchen, he had the balls to kiss me. Sure enough, she saw it, even though she pretended she didn't. I felt really awkward for the rest of the night.
4. When your kiss isn't human…
Spent New Year's Eve shooting a concert that lasted until four in the morning. Got to my friend's house around 4:30, crashed on his couch. About an hour later, I woke up to his dog licking my face. I suppose that's a New Year's kiss, right?
5. When you know someone else is about to “smash dat puss”…
Roll'n on molly wtih my crew close to midnight last year. One girl I been hook'n up with b4 says she want 'dat midnight kiss. We be alone on the rooftop, and we be makin' out hard when it midnight. We on the roof at some swanky NYC loft. She bring me back to her place but be on her phone in the Uber whole time. We get inside her bedroom, and I be like, "We doing this or no?" She be like, "I got ANOTHER man coming over. You got to LEAVE." TLDR: I get out of my trap fast. I get downstairs and see bro all decked out in Gucci get out of Uber BLACK. He tells me to hold door as I leave the apartment. I hold door, and bro thanks me and wishes me a happy new year. He got a bottle of Prosseco (classy, I respect), and I know he about to smash dat puss. I leave all drunk and coming down off molly and sit and wait for the 6 train home for hours with no puss, but respect for da man.
6. When you couldn’t even manage to avoid the ONE thing you were trying to avoid…
I once purposely avoided a NYE party with my best friends because my ex would be there and went to a really sh*tty party with other friends instead... then, after ringing in the new year surrounded by creepy guys I didn't know (and not kissing anyone), I got dropped off at my house at the exact time he pulled up to his (across the street from mine), and we ended up hooking up. Worst start to a new year EVER.
7. When you keep it in the family…
It was dark, drinks were flowing, and I ended up kissing my mom.
—Steve*, “old enough”
8. When your bodies are in sync in the worst way possible…
I was the sober driver 'til 11 pm for some friends before showing up to a midnight party. I realized I needed to catch up and immediately began pounding Red Bull vodkas. By the time midnight rolled around, I had 14 Red Bull vodkas and several pulls from God knows what fifth. As the clock struck midnight, I grabbed the girl next to me, and we had our midnight kiss....which turned into her and I fighting for the toilet as we both projectile vomited all over the bathroom. She wanted to make out afterward... I declined.
9. When you go a little outside of your age range…
I was 18, and I had my eye on this guy all night, hoping perhaps he could be my New Year's kiss! A group of us got in the cab from the pregame to go to the party, but to our luck, the gate guard just wasn't going to let any more people in. So naturally, we decide to take our rejected selves back to the house we pregamed at, which was a house full of drunk adults. Ten minutes to midnight, my friend starts makin' out with the guy I wanted to kiss me. Classic! So I go inside alone (after watching the two make out for a bit, like a creep) to watch the ball drop with some adults. The clock strikes midnight: A 45-year-old man grabs me by the shoulders, turns me into him and plants one on me!
10. When there is no possible way your kiss is even remotely into you…
I was in LOVE with my best friend all throughout high school. I planned to finally profess my love to him when we were home for the holidays my junior year of college. It was 11:58, and I told him I was in love with him. Before he had a chance to even really respond, I made all of my 16-year-old dreams come true and went right for the kiss. This could be a cute story if we weren’t both blacked out, sloppy, slobbering all over each other — and also if he wasn’t gay. Yes, that’s right. He’s gay.
*Name has been changed