Who says you can't scarf truffles and sip Glen neats with your super sophisticated lady friends? Depending on your girl group, Saturday nights can get pretty wild.
No matter whether the debauchery is accidental or routinely premeditated, it's still nice to take a break from it all with a scheduled evening of chill. It's an evening where you'll still get to turn up, but you'll just do it in a very f*cking classy way.
What's more sophisticated than babes bonding while swilling Scotch, discussing the finer points of applying winged eyeliner (Does anyone really use that tape trick?) and indulging in heaven's most subversive offering to one's taste buds: chocolate. Absolutely nothing, girls.
You can Google, “Do whiskey and chocolate taste amazing together?” and find 45,000 articles answering in the affirmative. But, I came upon this realization the old-fashioned way: I hammered on Johnny Walker Red (I know), desperately reaching my grubby little hands around the pantry for the nearest unsealed container of food. My snack just so happened to be dark chocolate.
As I shoved that cacao into my Scotch-filled maw, angels sang. The remaining bits of semi-sweet morsels were gorged upon, and I eventually collapsed into a pile of excess and ecstasy on my kitchen floor for, like, two hours.
Now, I tell all my chocolate and whiskey-loving lady friends about this discovery like I'm the goddamned Magellan of inebriated gastronomy. It is with great pride that I pass this information on to you and your girl group.
Grab your rowdiest, hungriest circle of female friends, and prep them for a night of serious drinking, unbridled overindulgence and perfect whiskey-chocolate tastings, as only the classiest birds can enjoy:
1. Basil Hayden's Bourbon With Turtle Candies
The smoky, charred flavor of this spirit really plays off the salty-sweet Turtles. Break out this favorite caramel and nut conglomeration while you enjoy its notes of vanilla and question your own morality for always choosing to bite the little guys' heads off first. (Sorry, dude.)
2. Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey With Jack-Filled Swiss Chocolates By Goldkenn
You read that right: Jack plus Jack-filled Swiss goodness. Is this an abomination or something glorious?
Either way, it has to be done. Knock back the easygoing smoke and sugar notes in your beverage, and chase them down with a bit more of the same.
3. The Glenlivet 12 Year Old Whiskey With Chocolate-Dipped Almonds
Sip your Glen (and sip it neat, you fool). Then, pop an almond covered in dark chocolate.
Crunch it until it's cracked open. Take another sip, and then let all those flavors mellow. Yes, perfection.
Oh, you can swallow now. Sorry.
4. Yellow Spot 12 Year Old Irish Whiskey With 70 Percent Cacao Chili-Spiced Chocolate
Ah, yes. Stone fruit is on the nose with a soft sweetness that's balanced perfectly by the bittersweet flavors of dark, rich chocolate. Pick something with 70 percent cacao, and get on with your bad self.
5. Knob Creek Rye Whiskey With Milk Chocolate
A cheap, creamy, sweet chocolate is probably your best bet for extinguishing the flesh-melting fire you might be experiencing on your tongue right about now. This rye's spicy finish is enough to bring you back to reality, and you'll wonder who thought this night was such a great idea to begin with.
You'll soothe those third-degree burns with a cooling, milky nosh, and before you know it, it'll be time to decide which pairing to explore again.
Now, reflect on the life you lived before this night. Does it seem a little empty? A little hollow? Yes.
Now that you know what you were missing, you'll never be able to return to a world without the smoky balancing out the sweet and creamy vanilla counteracting esophageal-mutilating spice. The beautiful thing is, you don't have to.
Whiskey and chocolate will be together forever, strengthening the bonds of sisterhood one f*cking classy pairing at a time.