What All Bartenders Want You To Know


Hello 2017,

Half of you are still hungover from your unlimited champagne night out. The other half of you are on your last day of a juice cleanse.

How does it feel? I can't wait till you eat a fat, juicy cheeseburger and ruin your juice results.

Regardless, both of you are probably dying equally.

While I'm neither a) hungover from NYE nor b) getting it on with that juice cleanse, I'm still mentally hungover from the amount of people I poured champagne to in plastic cups last weekend.

That's right. I was your bartender on New Year's Eve.

OK, maybe I wasn't your exact one, but I like to believe most bartenders have the same thoughts when it comes to serving people -- especially when it comes to serving drinks all-inclusive, unlimited or what others refer to as "free."

So to all the girls in their risque NYE outfits and the guys who thought they were getting laid, let me inform you what your bartender thinks on nights like New Year's Eve, aka all-inclusive drink nights.

1. Unlimited drinks does not mean you are more important than the next person waiting in line for drinks.

Wait your turn and you will be served.

2. Unlimited drinks does not mean you do not tip.

Bartenders make mental notes on who doesn't tip.

3. If you don't tip, I will do my best to make sure you're the last person I serve.

If you do tip, however, I'll drop what I'm doing to serve you... even if it's water. And that's a big deal for a bartender.

4. There's a two-limit rule with water.

Ask for more than two waters in a night's time, and you should leave a tip.

5. Bitching about a broken plastic champagne flute only makes you look like a douchebag.

It's plastic, not crystal.

6. A free shot does not mean you order the most expensive shot.

It means the bar has most likely agreed upon a universal shot for you and everybody else to take.

7. I know you're thirsty, but you should also know I'm busting my ass.

Have your complete order ready when I come to you, or I will go on to the next person. It's not my fault you can't remember your party's drink orders.

8. Know the difference between "neat" vs. "on the rocks."

If you don't know the difference, or even know what this means, you shouldn't even be at a bar. Go home and play with your Tinkertoys.

9. Don't ask if there's anything for $4.

Unless you're in a college town, there is nothing for $4 or less. Either have enough money to pay for a normal-priced drink PLUS tip, or please go home to drink your Natty Light.

10. If you're making out at the bar, I will stare.

I will judge you harshly, in fact.

O, and if you're the girl* I saw making out with a guy against his will while you spilled your drink all over his back, you'll end up getting kicked out, too.

*Note, this particular girl had multiple complaints from other patrons, but God was it one of the best sights I ever saw bartending.

11. I am not a DJ, I am your bartender.

Asking me to put in a song request is like entering into a black hole. It will get lost among the massive amount of champagne I'm pouring.

12. Waving at me doesn't get my attention.

How would you feel if I came to your job and waved at you non-stop? Annoying, right? That's what bartenders think of wavers.

13. The Golden Rule still exists.

If you're nice, I'm nice. If you start acting like a dick, I'll start acting like a dick.

Be nice and tip. That's basically all you need to remember.