It was Saturday night, and for the first weekend in a long time, I was dead sober.
My friend and I have recently begun alcohol cleanses, so we found ourselves as the only two sober people in a bar full of wild f*cking animals.
There are a handful of realizations you come to when you're the only sober person at a bar. The first few are all about the aforementioned wild animals. Their mascara is running down their faces. They look stupid grinding up against each other. And no one knows how to sing, so they should all keep their damn mouths shut.
But the other realizations have nothing to do with the animals and everything to do with you. To sum up, you're just as much of a f*cktard sober as you are when you're completely hammered out of your mind.
I came upon these revelations when my friend got into a near-fist fight with my ex's best friend this past weekend. We ran into him while waiting in line to get into the bar, and he made an insensitive comment about the sexual history between my ex and me (we'll leave it at that).
He was plastered and my friend was not, so she gave his sorry ass a good verbal smacking. And she gave it to him good.
They say a drunken mind speaks a sober heart. And though that may be true to some degree, it is in no way 100 percent true. My evening of fruitful events was a plain-as-day case of sober thoughts and drunk words.
Take it from me: on any given night out, you’re probably giving your vodka soda too much credit.
So here are all the times it wasn’t the alcohol, it was just YOU.
1. When you dialed your ex, your soon-to-be ex, your f*ck buddy or basically any guy you have had/want to have sexual relations with
Notice I left out the word “drunk” before “dial.” Yeah, not classy, but that doesn’t stop you.
2. When you got into a fight with your friend because you were straight with her once
Sh*t got WAY too real, WAY too fast, and now your bestie is Bye Felicia-ing you all over the place. (Don’t let this come between you guys -- I’m sure you can work it out).
3. When you lost your wallet, your ID and your keys
Eh, we might as well add “dignity” to that list, too. Maybe it’s time to put “stop being so forgetful” on your to-do list?
4. When you and your bestie danced to “Hotline Bling”
Look, your dad has more rhythm than you do, but it’s cool. I won’t tell Drake.
5. When you fell flat on your face in your Jimmy Choos
Don’t blame the booze, blame the shoes. Also, you’re just clumsy as f*ck.
6. When you saw your ex's friend and freaked the f*ck out, but your friend stood up for you
See above story.
7. When you triple-texted your secret office crush
No matter how you try to swing it, there is nothing “work-related” about a 2-AM text. Not one damn thing.
8. When you cried over a boy
Uh-oh. Either your face is spasming hardcore, or it’s getting ready to morph into that ugly-as-hell Kim Kardashian cry. But seriously, why are you crying as if your dog just got murdered? You have no excuse to be THIS sad.
9. When you threw sh*t
At the bathroom attendant. Or your ex’s ex. Or a wall. Really, just when you threw something at anyone or anything.
10. When you hooked up with that heinous guy
You: “But Sheena, he smelled so good!” Me: “Don’t care. He’s downright hideous, and you should be downright ashamed of yourself.”
11. When your tongue was doing a bad job at acrobatics in someone else's mouth
Hate to break it to ya, but you're just a bad kisser. Drunk or sober.
12. When you ate a slice of pizza, and then the whole pie, and then licked the delivery guy’s fingers
13. When “Don’t Stop Believing” came on at the club
…and you screamed, “This is my JAM!” Whatever you do, please spare us, and don’t whip out your “moves.” Just don’t.
14. When you spent all the money you don’t have
Your bank account has no mercy. It doesn’t care if you were wasted off your ass or sober as a recovering alcoholic.
15. When you inappropriately flirted with someone
You have no game, drunk or sober. Keep doing it though, because it’s endless entertainment.
16. When you laughed hysterically at your own jokes
You aren’t Jerry Seinfeld, but you seem to think so, regardless of how much liquor you’re shooting back.
17. When you insulted people for absolutely no reason
YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH. Sorry, but the truth hurts.
18. When you were a horny beast, ready to jump on anything with a pulse
That ain’t the Jacky D. Those are your pheromones flyin’ high, gurl.
19. When you were talking smack a little TOO loudly
You were Regina George from the moment you left your mother’s womb. Don’t try to deny it.
20. When you were just embarrassing AF
Stay embarrassing though, because if you weren’t, I wouldn’t be friends with you. Also, you make me look better when you're embarrassing. (JK. But not really).