This Ain't Uber: 45 Thoughts You Have When You're The Designated Driver

by Dan Scotti

There comes a time in almost every person’s life when he or she will be called upon to be the “designated driver.”

Just in case you live under a rock and are unfamiliar with the term, “DD” refers to the one person within a group of friends who is designated as the sober chauffeur for the night, while the rest of the gang gets hammered.

In other words, as designated driver, you play “dad” or “mom” for the night, as you transport your buddies to and from the party or social gathering you're attending.

Sure, it’s not the most glamorous position imaginable -- but is it necessary?

You betcha.

See, designated drivers save lives. Regardless of how much of a buzzkill (literally speaking) it may be for the person designated as the driver -- it’s just sort of something you have to accept, for the greater good of your friends.

But, let me be clear: Being the designated driver is almost always a nightmare.

Not drinking for a night is one thing. Not drinking and having to deal with your friends while they’re drunk off their asses -- is a whole other ball of wax.

Think about it; they’ll be laughing. They’ll be screaming. They might be crying -- and you'll just be forced to tolerate it.

There's not much else you can do, really.

Next time you go out, it'll be someone else's responsibility to put up with your drunk antics -- but, on your night as DD -- it isn't really about you.

It's about the safety of your friends, man. You just have to put your head down and drive.

And as you do so, you'll probably be thinking something along the lines of this.

1. Designated driver?

2. Yeah, I guess I’ll be the designated driver tonight.

3. I think I’m getting sick, anyway.

4. I could probably use the break.

5. I’m not going to let one of my friends take their car.

6. I’ll never understand drinking and driving.

7. It’s just stupid.

8. Avoidable and just plain old stupid.

9. So what’s the consensus on smoking and driving?

10. Yeah, yeah, you right -- better not.

11. One sober night isn’t the end of the world.

12. And, frankly, it’s kind of refreshing knowing I won’t lose either my phone or credit card or both tonight.

13. Probably still will, though.

14. I mean, I’m 100 percent wearing sweats tonight.

15. And we’re leaving early -- I’m not going to mope around some party sober all night.

16. I’m already pretty awkward.

17. Sorry boys, tonight’s running on my clock -- if they want to leave at all hours of the night, they can call a yellow cab.

18. This isn’t Uber.

19. I bet they think this is Uber.

20. Just wait till one of them tries to grab the aux cord.

21. It’s really only a matter of time now until they’re all dixie fried, begging me to play some Taylor Swift.

22. Nuh uh, not going to happen.

23. Straight 60s Stones -- if they don’t like it, they can walk.

24. That’s all I’ve got tonight.

25. And I’m going to ask them each to bring a plastic bag; I’m not messing around.

26. Last time I was the designated driver, Nick was dry heaving out of the window the entire ride home.

27. I felt like Harrison Ford speeding with a car full of explosive material before it detonates.

28. I’m not risking that sh*t again. I don’t want dry vomit on the door.

29. Actually, come to think of it, I better make a formal policy before we leave.

30. Any vomit inside the vehicle will result in a $125 cleanup fee.

31. I’m just confused as to what I’m supposed to do for the rest of the night while the rest of the party gets drunk.

32. Would it be too epic to try and take a nap on the couch?

33. Honestly, I’d blend in better that way.

34. And I’m f*cking wiped.

35. I’m such a good friend.

36. Sh*t don’t come with trophies.

37. But if they left me a couple of bucks -- you know, as a tip -- I think it would be a nice gesture.

38. Nah, that’s out.

39. It’s only one night. I just have to get through it.

40. I’ll try and schmooze with some ladies; I’ll play the “I’m the designated driver” card.

41. They love that “responsible” sh*t.

42. And at least tomorrow I won't be hungover.

43. And I'll save money on drinks.

44. And I won't have to worry about getting too sloppy.

45. Tonight might not be so bad of a night after all.