The 10 Reasons Why New York City Sucks In The Summer
New York City has to be one of the worst places to be during the summer. Not only is it hot, but there's absolutely no air flow at all, making it feel as if you are in the chokey from Matilda 24/7. Despite all this heat and muggy humidity, you still have to try and live your regular life -- meaning work and running errands.
Imagine how difficult it is to stay focused on your work when all you want to do is go out and enjoy the day or sit at home, order food and chill in the AC. The best advice I can offer someone is to stay inside as much as possible. Don't go outside unless it is extremely necessary, you don't want to be brushing shoulders with sweaty, musty pedestrians.
If you haven't experienced New York in the summer, then you are in for a rude awakening. Here are the reasons why NYC sucks in the summer:
The air feels like blankets.
There is no worse place to find yourself in NYC during the summer than walking the Manhattan streets on a hot day. This has to be one of the most miserable experiences, as you will find yourself drenched in sweat in a matter of seconds.
The hot cement causes the rubber of your soles to feel as if they are about to melt, while you walk and bump into other sweaty New Yorkers and tourists. Dry air chokes you out and it makes walking one block feel like ten. Warning: Stay inside as much as possible, order in and keep that AC running.
All real New Yorkers dip out on weekends or for the whole summer.
In the summer, all real New Yorkers decide to go on trips and to enjoy life. During the week, a good majority of them are still around and down to party; however, weekends in the Hamptons or Cape Cod drain the city of true New Yorkers.
This leaves a void that is eventually filled by bridge and tunnel people who for once can finally get into some of the clubs they couldn't have gotten into all winter. This type of crowd makes the clubs unpleasant and actually makes you sick of going to them.
It smells like a mixture of hot fermented garbage, dog piss and sweat.
It is hard enough that you have to deal with the everyday noise of NYC coupled with the scorching heat, but to make matters even worse, you must endure the rotten smell in the air. The hot garbage that sits in the heat in plastic bags in addition to the smell of restaurant waste and dog piss are nothing to be happy about.
This is just the streets, let's not even get into the homeless people who haven't had a means of showering in a few days, yet they decide to sit right next to you on the train. Hold your nose -- or get off this ride isn't going to be anything fun.
The crackheads are even more on edge than usual.
What else can a true NYC crackhead be doing all day aside from sitting outside in the scorching heat, collecting change for his next fix. If you thought NYC crackheads were grumpy in the first place, you have no idea what they're like in the summer time.
They are so unpredictable; my best advice is to just keep away from them, don't even make eye contact as this can instigate a whole issue for no reason. Keep away from NYC crackheads.
Working is miserable and all you can think about is how badly you just want to leave and go to the beach.
Sitting at work is the most horrible experience ever, all you can do is sit at your desk and stare out into the sunny horizon. It sucks knowing that while you're patiently waiting for 5 o'clock to hit so you can go enjoy happy hour in Turtle Bay, there are people actually on the beach chilling and enjoying themselves.
This has to be one of the worst feelings, as you know that you still have to wake up the next day to do it all again.
BBQ or tanning on rooftops in the summer is impossible because it's too hot and most people's rooftops aren't accessible.
As we all know, open spaces in New York are hard to come by. Once in a while you may have a friend come along with a backyard or roof deck. However this is a rarity and you must enjoy it to the fullest. For the rest of us who just want to have a simple BBQ or to just tan on a New York City rooftop, it is almost impossible as access is not granted to residents.
Unless your building had a designated roof top for you to go on, you are out of luck my friend. The only thing left for you to do is to go to overcrowded public places or pools.
Public pools are full of ratchet people and parks are overrun by tourists.
Like I said, outdoor space is very limited here in New York City, so the few places that you can actually go out and enjoy are overcrowded and not fun at all. Imagine trying to go to Central Park on a nice summer day, if you don't get up early and get a prime spot, good luck finding one in the afternoon.
Everyone has one thing on their minds, and that is going to these public places to enjoy the day -- so know that there are 8 million people thinking just like you.
Forget about going to public pools unless you're into having ratchet kids run around you all day, splashing and overcrowding the pool. If you thought parks were over-packed, imagine trying to fit hundreds of people into an Olympic-sized pool, not worth your time at all.
The subways are twice as hot, packed, musty and full of crackheads.
For those of us who have to commute everyday, you can relate with me on this one. As if walking the stuffy streets of the city isn't hard enough, it gets worse going into the subway. As you swipe your metro card, you instantly feel as if you are getting choked out by a UFC wrestler.The air in the subways is so dry and smothering, as if that isn't enough to deter you from taking the subway, just think of the smell.
Everyone looks forward to that one-second breeze that passes by as your train pulls into the station, but after that, it's downhill from there, as you get that fat dude that gets in right before the door closes sweating and breathing heavily on the back of your neck. As if the sweaty fat dude isn't enough, once the doors close you get a whiff of the unbathed and smelly crackhead lying in the corner seats -- making the experience twice as miserable.
Random rain storms that last for ten minutes.
The ten-minute rain storm can easily make or break your day. There is no forecast for these type of storms, at it is part of a small, stealthy cloud that feels it's appropriate to unleash it's wrath on you as you are walking down the street to get lunch.
Usually these storms can be expected to occur anywhere from 12 to 3, so if you see an ominous cloud, do not think lightly of it. With no umbrella on hand and the phone and your lunch occupying both hands, the only thing you can do is seek refuge or run as fast as you can back to your office.
The pool of women to choose from greatly decreases, as the best girls have already been picked up and are on their way to St. Barths, Bora Bora, Ibiza, St. Tropez.
As our good friend Abraham Lincoln once said, "Good things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle." This is especially true when it comes to the women in the summertime. New York is known for its beautiful and diverse women that occupy the city during the winter. In the summer, things change, and the pool of women to choose from decreases.
This is because all the best ones are jet setting on planes with their millionaire boy toys on their way to St. Barths, Ibiza, St. Tropez, Bora Bora and Yacht Week. Just know that these women are being poached from the second it hits winter. Many of them will already have their summer travel plans already made by April. It's just the way the world works, so try to get at least two good ones under your wing and somehow convince them to stay.
Bonus: Leather Pants + Summer Time Heat = Not a good combo
While leather pants on a girl can be quite appealing, it is hard to overlook the fact that leather and heat do not mix. You best believe that while she is looking all sexy and tight in those leather pants, twerking it on the dance floor that her vagina is sweating up a storm.
Some of us have a hard time going down there as it is, so please keep the leather to a minimum. I don't want to have to make you take a shower before I attempt to do work, it's just not courteous. Then again, who cares about courtesy when you yak it all over her as soon as you catch a whiff of what comes through her zipper, as she slowly pulls down her pants? So ladies please, no leather pants.
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