I Got A Blowjob From A Robot, And Here's How It Went Down

Universal Pictures

As technology grows more advanced on the road to an eventual robot-apocalypse, it was only a matter of time until someone built a mass-market blowjob machine.

It's the next logical step, right? Humans automated infrastructure production processes, food distribution and even meeting people through dating sites. Why not automate sex?

That's what the Autoblow 2 does.

Standing just under a foot tall, the Autoblow 2 literally just looks like a thermos with a fleshy mouth on top. It's the purest version of something just made to simulate a blowjob. It's a skin tube with three rows of oscillating beads (formerly two rows) built with the sole purpose of making your penis feel like a million dollars.

That's it. All business. No fancy bells and whistles. It's just a meat-and-taters blowie machine.

There are no extra attachments except for a weird handle thing I haven't figured out the point of yet, and aside from the rumbling of the gears, you may not even notice it's in the room while it's doing its thing -- pending where your laptop sits.

Full disclosure: I've used one.

Last week, I was sent three Autoblow 2s by the company that makes them, so of course I used one.

Why did the company send three? I have no idea. I only have so many penises.

What happened to the Autoblow 1? I again have no idea. I assume it ripped a bunch of penises off before the makers were like, "OK, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!"

JK. I do have no idea though.

Anyway, why am I sharing this info with you? I do it because I care. With great power comes great responsibility, and there are very few powers in this world more powerful than owning a blowjob machine.

So, before you all jump for joy at the chance to own this innovation, take it from someone who owns three blowjob machines and really think about what owning one means.

For starters, I can't imagine a more removed sexual experience. Using full sex dolls somehow seems to have a more human feel than using an Autoblow 2. Hell, even Fleshlights and standard masturbation involve an action.

Using the Autoblow 2 involves nothing.

You don't have to talk to anyone or even move a muscle once it gets going. All you do is -- and I'm sorry for being graphic, but there is no other way to describe this -- get erect, put some water-based lube on yourself, slide your stiffy into this blowjob thermos and then literally just wait until you finish.

You will never experience a more removed way of knockin' an inside-the-park home run.

The second major issue with this is -- and for the sake of this argument, let's pretend for a moment we're all massive cocaine addicts -- in my mind, owning a personal blowjob machine reminds me of Tony Montana's giant pile of cocaine. On the surface, we all love cocaine (only in this scenario #HugsNotDrugs), so this is the best thing of all time, right?! Unlimited cocaine in our home office, sign us cokeheads up!

But, do we actually really want this?

We'd never get anything done. We'd never leave the house. We'd become super irresponsible and almost lose any sense of purpose for living. Why do anything if you have a cocaine pile at your disposal? Why go out and meet new people or try to find love? Why have new experiences, travel, eat cool, interesting foods and have fascinating conversations with exciting people?

Why do all those things when you have a giant pile of cocaine at home in the safety of your house?

Yup. Owning a blowjob machine is like owning a giant pile of cocaine.

(WRITER'S NOTE: A co-worker suggested a better comparison: A blowjob machine is like methadone because it's more just a taste than the real thing. I actually agree with this, but there is no major movie protagonist known for owning a pile of methadone, so we'll stick to Tony and his pile o' coke.)

Honestly, what's stopping you from buying an Autoblow 2, moving to the woods and living the rest of your life alone as a mountain person? When you're hungry, you eat. When you're tired, you sleep. When you are in the mood, you bust out the bot and fulfill that need.

The need for physical contact drives a large part of people's motivations. If you remove that need from the equation, what do you really have left to force you to do anything?

With all this in mind, I will tell you right now the Autoblow 2 rocks. It really did feel like an authentic mouth sexperience. It actually 100 percent truly superseded my expectations and delivered a thoroughly enjoyable Friday night.

But, I couldn't mentally get over what it was, and I'm not going to lie, there was a lot of shame involved.

You try sleeping with a blowjob machine 4 feet away from your bed!

It's like this: I've always wanted to try a Fleshlight. Who wouldn't want to try a Fleshlight? But then again, who wants to be someone who has used a Fleshlight? Sure, we can all claim to live in a very sex-positive generation, but there is a major stigma involved with the kind of person who owns a pocket vagina. Say the words “Fleshlight owner” out loud, and you'll automatically picture some chunky men's rights activist in a “Take Me to Your Dealer” t-shirt who lives at home and works in middle management at a Best Buy.

That stigma of the average Fleshlight user is easily 10 times worse when dealing with the kind of person who would drop over $100 on an Autoblow 2.

But, once again, with all that being said, THE AUTOBLOW 2 IS A FANTASTIC PIECE OF EQUIPMENT.

Yeah, I felt the need to lock my door and draw my window curtains even though nobody was home and my window faces a brick wall, but it really did do everything it promised. The company isn't selling a lack of shame; it's selling a means to an end, and if you treat it like that, I'm sure you'll be fine.

If you're looking for a machine to simulate a blowjob, you should buy one. Just be aware of how it may make you quit your job and abandon your loved ones.

Everything in moderation.