Jesse Morrow

20 Reasons Why I'm Going To Eat Carbs And You Need To STFU About It


Carbs have such a bad reputation.

It's unfortunate, because the world would be a much happier place if everyone would just shut up and embrace the carb in all of its hearty, doughy, grainy glory.

There is a lot of conflicting research out there about carbs.

Nobody really knows if you're supposed to eat them or not, which means they've been cast as the devil and eliminated from the diets of "trendy" girls and fitness gurus everywhere. And I think that's bullsh*t.

For one, "diets" that require you to completely give something up don't work. They require willpower, which is a finite human resource.

You simply will not be able to last eradicating a food item from your life forever.

Secondly, if you wanted to give up anything forever, carbs are a dumb thing to choose. Why would you ever subject yourself to such torture?

If I wanted to hate myself, I would just drink a whole bottle of wine alone or look at my bank account. I would never give up carbs.

Look, I myself am a white girl, and one who likes to eat pretty healthily at that.

I eat eggs for breakfast every morning, I thoroughly enjoy the taste of raw vegetables (dressing not required and, honestly, not preferred), and I don't put sugar in my coffee.

I love all kinds of fruit, especially apples, bananas and berries, and I favor chicken over red meat.

But I will never, ever, ever stop eating carbs. And you need to STFU about it.

1. Because they're f*cking delicious.

Need I say more? I guess I have to, even though I shouldn't.

2. Because I'm Italian.

It's in my blood to love carbs.

3. Because it's harder than you think to avoid them.

Carbs are in fruit, vegetables, yogurt, baked beans, your fancy milk substitutes, canned tomato sauce, green peas, salad dressing, protein bars and more. They lurk everywhere, waiting for you to eat them. Why fight it?

4. Because they don't actually make you fat.

All carbs are not created equally. In fact, eating the right kinds of carbs can actually help you lose weight.

5. Because even if they do make me fat, I don't care.

If weighing a few pounds more than I'd like to is my biggest problem in life, that's fine with me. It's worth it for carbs.

6. Because it's easy to make them healthy, if you want.

Have none of you heard of whole-grain bread? Or quinoa pasta? Or rye bagels?

There are options here. There is no need for all the carb hate.

7. Because they're versatile.

You can fry them, toast them, al dente them, soak them in milk, slather them with butter, cover them in oil and, most importantly, love them. Definitely love them.

8. Because they give me energy.

Once, I tried to lower my carb intake (I know, what was I thinking?), and it made me feel exhausted.

This is because glucose, the main ingredient you need to have enough energy to do simple tasks like walking and breathing, comes from starches and sugars found in carbs. My body was massively deprived.

Don't worry, though. I simply shoved a fistful of pasta into my mouth and all became well again.

9. Because they let me drink more alcohol.

According to my experiences in college, if you line your stomach with carbs before a night out, it'll prevent you from throwing up the next morning after you'd downed too much tequila. It's magic.

10. Because they make me feel better when I'm hungover.

Again, according to college, the bagel you eat after your night out will absorb all the tequila you drank that's still sitting in your stomach.

It's even more magic.

11. Because they soak up all the goodness that no non-carb can.

Cheese. Sauce. Dressing. Olive oil. Butter. Excess alcohol.


12. Because they are a key ingredient in a variety of comfort food.

Mac and cheese? Carbs. Chicken noodle soup? Carbs. Apple pie? Carbs. Mashed potatoes? Carbs. Cornbread? Carbs. Grilled cheese? C-a-r-b-s.

13. Because they help me handle my stress.

Eating a warm bowl of gooey mac and cheese is the same as wrapping yourself up in a fluffy blanket and resting your head on a pillow made of clouds.

14. Because they keep my memory sharp.

A Tufts University study found that when you don't eat carbs, your memory suffers. And I have lots of things I want to remember.

15. Because they're free at every restaurant.

Who doesn't love a free basket of bread at the beginning of every meal?

16. Because eating them has made me a mentally stronger individual.

In elementary school, I went to my friend's house, and her dad made us pasta for dinner.

I was so excited about it that I ate two full bowls.

After finishing, my friend, who was Asian, cocked her head, looked at my empty bowl and disdainfully said, "How do you Americans eat so much?"

For a second, I felt really offended. Then, I didn't care. And this moment empowered me not let anyone make me feel GROSS for what I love. Which is carbs.

17. Because I'm not going to let you food shame me.

Attention girls who give me side-eye for eating too much pasta: Your boring opinions about carbs don't matter to me.

18. Because everything fun involves carbs.

Pizza parties, pasta nights before sports games, BBQs with hotdogs and hamburgers -- these are all incomplete without carbs.

19. Because I can.

I have a mouth; there is no reason I should not put carbs in it.

20. Because the happiness I might get from losing weight is not worth trading the happiness I will get from eating bread.